I am back to Cyprus for a second time after my mom's passing.
Thank goodness, I have been busy with appointments for my wedding.
This time around my father and I were able to communicate, I guess in the absence of everyone else, we kinda have to find a way not to hurt each other.
The house seems empty at times. It was particularly empty when I was putting up Christmas decorations...
Yesterday I exercised my right to vote. After almost eight years I felt that being a citizen was something more than just informed or "into" things!
There are so much I want to say, so much I want to do here...Voting was just a small little thing that made me think about how easy it is here, how tough it is back there...
All the family here is going to be gathered and I am going to be back with my partner...choices, they are so difficult...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
my mom's birthday
Today is the first time in my twenty eight years of life that I almost forgot my mom's birthday.
She passed away nine months ago.
Can you get over a loss in nine months?
Or is it that life comes at you fast that sometimes you forget important dates? Or is it that I wanted to block it from my memory so I wouldn't have to face the fact that she will not pick up the phone when I call home!
Either way, happy birthday mom!
She passed away nine months ago.
Can you get over a loss in nine months?
Or is it that life comes at you fast that sometimes you forget important dates? Or is it that I wanted to block it from my memory so I wouldn't have to face the fact that she will not pick up the phone when I call home!
Either way, happy birthday mom!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
realizations
It's amazing what being out in the wilderness can do to a person.
Lately I have been lacking the motivation to finish my thesis
All I have been wanting to do is watch bad television shows
Shows that allow me to escape to a different reality
One that is not mine
One that is fake
and as such, it cannot touch me
it cannot hurt me
it does not give me stress,
but it makes me cry and laugh
two very real behaviors that provide me with a false sense of living
And then, two miles and boat loads of sweating later I found myself on top of a mountain
I found myself living in a metaphor
"if I can climb this mountain I can finish my thesis"
I saw me climb the mountain
I felt the snow flakes on my face
I felt an extraordinary sense of accomplishment
the kind that I haven't had in a while
Two days later I am determined that this thesis will be done
I am determined that I will not fail
as much failings as I have had, personal and professional
this one will not be part them!
My reality is similar to other people's
yet, very different
as silly as it sounds the little things of our everyday life make it worth living
the difficulties or the long processes make us appreciate the promptness of other things
if anyone ever asks my what's it like writing a thesis
I will say that it's like a four mile long, moderate hike
at some parts it seems endless, but once you make it to the top
you have to come back to the parking lot and complete your journey!
Lately I have been lacking the motivation to finish my thesis
All I have been wanting to do is watch bad television shows
Shows that allow me to escape to a different reality
One that is not mine
One that is fake
and as such, it cannot touch me
it cannot hurt me
it does not give me stress,
but it makes me cry and laugh
two very real behaviors that provide me with a false sense of living
And then, two miles and boat loads of sweating later I found myself on top of a mountain
I found myself living in a metaphor
"if I can climb this mountain I can finish my thesis"
I saw me climb the mountain
I felt the snow flakes on my face
I felt an extraordinary sense of accomplishment
the kind that I haven't had in a while
Two days later I am determined that this thesis will be done
I am determined that I will not fail
as much failings as I have had, personal and professional
this one will not be part them!
My reality is similar to other people's
yet, very different
as silly as it sounds the little things of our everyday life make it worth living
the difficulties or the long processes make us appreciate the promptness of other things
if anyone ever asks my what's it like writing a thesis
I will say that it's like a four mile long, moderate hike
at some parts it seems endless, but once you make it to the top
you have to come back to the parking lot and complete your journey!
Thursday, October 26, 2006
something missing
something missing from my life
what that might be I don't know
motivation
courage
what might be there....
fear of completion
fear of failure
uneasyness about the absence of the safety net
uncertainty of the unknown
what that might be I don't know
motivation
courage
what might be there....
fear of completion
fear of failure
uneasyness about the absence of the safety net
uncertainty of the unknown
Friday, October 13, 2006
The racism of the bridal gown
Those who are a "plus size," as the fashion industry calls women who are outside of the "regular" sizes, have surely experienced uncomfortable feelings when trying on wedding gowns....
When you are looking for everyday attire there isn' t mush problem
There plenty of styles to go around these days. Things are much better than 5 or 10 years ago.
But, you know what has not changed?
The wedding industry!
Unless you are a size 4 0r 6 you cannot get a decent dress! Because wedding gowns run 2 to 3 sizes small. Say you are a 14, you need an 18 or a 20 size wedding gown! That is such a blow on self esteem!
I am one of the people who refuse to get sucked into the "thin ideal"
As long as I am healthy, eating right and working out, I am not going to go on a diet to be a size 8!
I am size 14! I would like it if I were a size 12 or 10, but I am not going to deprive myself of any culinary pleasures.
What is outrageously obvious is that the gown industry wants to make even more money via alterations and charging extra for a size bigger than 16! They simply want more money than the 2,000 or 3,000 dollars they charge for a good dress! Can you imagine? How racist!
When you are looking for everyday attire there isn' t mush problem
There plenty of styles to go around these days. Things are much better than 5 or 10 years ago.
But, you know what has not changed?
The wedding industry!
Unless you are a size 4 0r 6 you cannot get a decent dress! Because wedding gowns run 2 to 3 sizes small. Say you are a 14, you need an 18 or a 20 size wedding gown! That is such a blow on self esteem!
I am one of the people who refuse to get sucked into the "thin ideal"
As long as I am healthy, eating right and working out, I am not going to go on a diet to be a size 8!
I am size 14! I would like it if I were a size 12 or 10, but I am not going to deprive myself of any culinary pleasures.
What is outrageously obvious is that the gown industry wants to make even more money via alterations and charging extra for a size bigger than 16! They simply want more money than the 2,000 or 3,000 dollars they charge for a good dress! Can you imagine? How racist!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
everyday routines
I wake up in the moring, usually around 7am,
hop in the shower,
get dressed,
go downstairs in the kitchen to make coffee while continuing to listen to the NPR news which accompanies me in the shower as well.
He wakes up about half an hour after I do and follows the same ritual
His coffee is ready, with milk and sugar already in his mug
We both have cereal together and leave the house about the same time
And that's when our days start to differ
I go to my office and three times a week teach pretty much right away
After that, I am supposed to be either working on my project or read for my comps in January
Instead, I find myself completely addicted to searching on line for plane tickets, for wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, hotel reservations, wedding invitations, etc
I am completely unable to focus on my work if I am in front of a computer with Internet access.
Talk about self-discipline
I used to be able to wake up ealry enough to do my work and then play
now it's merely playing
I think that since I lost my mom I have realized that stressing about work is not worth it
But, I have reached the other side
I am fast becoming "lazy"
everyday routines?
I wish!
hop in the shower,
get dressed,
go downstairs in the kitchen to make coffee while continuing to listen to the NPR news which accompanies me in the shower as well.
He wakes up about half an hour after I do and follows the same ritual
His coffee is ready, with milk and sugar already in his mug
We both have cereal together and leave the house about the same time
And that's when our days start to differ
I go to my office and three times a week teach pretty much right away
After that, I am supposed to be either working on my project or read for my comps in January
Instead, I find myself completely addicted to searching on line for plane tickets, for wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, hotel reservations, wedding invitations, etc
I am completely unable to focus on my work if I am in front of a computer with Internet access.
Talk about self-discipline
I used to be able to wake up ealry enough to do my work and then play
now it's merely playing
I think that since I lost my mom I have realized that stressing about work is not worth it
But, I have reached the other side
I am fast becoming "lazy"
everyday routines?
I wish!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
28 years of life
so many lessons
so many experiences
28 years of life
28 years of wisdom?
Last night I was reading the wedding planning book my soon to be mother-in-law sent us
so many responsibilities for the mother of the bride
tears running down my cheeks and a smile for her, 'cause she never really liked rituals that much
and today, today I am imagining to hear her voice, just like I did for the last 28 years
I 'm pretending that I got her card
I 'm actually telling her what presents I got and describe every little detail
I 'm keeping her as close as possible, for 27 and a half years are not easily forgotten
and for today, I know she would not want me to be sad
28, mom, 28
please look down and smile, just as you would if you were right here
so many experiences
28 years of life
28 years of wisdom?
Last night I was reading the wedding planning book my soon to be mother-in-law sent us
so many responsibilities for the mother of the bride
tears running down my cheeks and a smile for her, 'cause she never really liked rituals that much
and today, today I am imagining to hear her voice, just like I did for the last 28 years
I 'm pretending that I got her card
I 'm actually telling her what presents I got and describe every little detail
I 'm keeping her as close as possible, for 27 and a half years are not easily forgotten
and for today, I know she would not want me to be sad
28, mom, 28
please look down and smile, just as you would if you were right here
Monday, September 11, 2006
communication
I am supposed to be good at it
As I teach my students, successful communication depends on the detection and repair of misunderstandings that may interfere with the creation of shared knowledge.
I cannot get across to my father.
Stuck in a totally different place, stuck in a situation which sacks because he is alone and just know he learns how to function alone,
I am stuck in between waiting for him to decide what he wants for me so that I move on with planning a wedding.
I 'm stuck
Stuck, stuck, stuck
I wish that things were different
I wish that he wasn't alone
I wish I had my mom to go wedding gown shopping with!
I wish
But in this I believe, the ability of social beings to detect and repair misunderstandings
I believe in communication
as hard as it may be now
As I teach my students, successful communication depends on the detection and repair of misunderstandings that may interfere with the creation of shared knowledge.
I cannot get across to my father.
Stuck in a totally different place, stuck in a situation which sacks because he is alone and just know he learns how to function alone,
I am stuck in between waiting for him to decide what he wants for me so that I move on with planning a wedding.
I 'm stuck
Stuck, stuck, stuck
I wish that things were different
I wish that he wasn't alone
I wish I had my mom to go wedding gown shopping with!
I wish
But in this I believe, the ability of social beings to detect and repair misunderstandings
I believe in communication
as hard as it may be now
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Decisions that have changed my life
Five years ago amidst a blur from a different cigarette I decided I wanted to do a Masters degree
The university I wanted to go to had to had in it's name the name New York.
I indeed arrived on August 5, 2003
I met this hippieish girl, a little weird but with a great willingness to help me out.
We became friends
A year later, after having been to Cyprus for the entire summer, taking a spontaneous trip to London for three days, letting go of the man I thought I was crazy in love with, and deciding that I want to be with no one, just myself, my degree, and my thoughts, I came back to meet the most wonderful, thoughtful, kind, charming and handsome man I ever met.
Three years later I still believe all these things about him
Three years later I love him more than I ever did, and I have fallen in love with him AGAIN!
Three years later, a simple four later question, and simple one word answer have changed both of our lives.
"Will you marry me?" "Yes"
lots of tears and two smiles that cannot be erased
On the day of the my mom's six month memorial
I don't think I can ever be able to give her a better memorial!
I love you honey, thanks....
The university I wanted to go to had to had in it's name the name New York.
I indeed arrived on August 5, 2003
I met this hippieish girl, a little weird but with a great willingness to help me out.
We became friends
A year later, after having been to Cyprus for the entire summer, taking a spontaneous trip to London for three days, letting go of the man I thought I was crazy in love with, and deciding that I want to be with no one, just myself, my degree, and my thoughts, I came back to meet the most wonderful, thoughtful, kind, charming and handsome man I ever met.
Three years later I still believe all these things about him
Three years later I love him more than I ever did, and I have fallen in love with him AGAIN!
Three years later, a simple four later question, and simple one word answer have changed both of our lives.
"Will you marry me?" "Yes"
lots of tears and two smiles that cannot be erased
On the day of the my mom's six month memorial
I don't think I can ever be able to give her a better memorial!
I love you honey, thanks....
Friday, September 01, 2006
three years
it has been three years
three years of fun, tears, companionship, passion,
of love
you don't know this, but I still get anxious when it's about the time you come home
maybe three years is a long time, or maybe it isn't
you have made my life more interesting and more fun
you have become my best friend
you have made me have feelings I never thought I could feel
the reflection of me in your eyes is such a huge boost to become a little better everyday
i love you, but then again you know that
i don't have much to wish for us
just to keep our faith in each other
happy three years!
three years of fun, tears, companionship, passion,
of love
you don't know this, but I still get anxious when it's about the time you come home
maybe three years is a long time, or maybe it isn't
you have made my life more interesting and more fun
you have become my best friend
you have made me have feelings I never thought I could feel
the reflection of me in your eyes is such a huge boost to become a little better everyday
i love you, but then again you know that
i don't have much to wish for us
just to keep our faith in each other
happy three years!
Monday, August 28, 2006
επιβιωσαμε κι αυτο
ρενουλι...καταλαβες οτι επιβιωσαμε κι αυτη τη δοκιμασια;
τι περιεργο το καλοκαιρι αυτο...
με ενα παραπονο στα χειλη ημαστε ολοι
γιατι να μην ειναι η μαμα εδω;
γιατι το ξενοδοχειο να ειναι λερωμενο;
γιατι να μη με γνωριζουν αυτοι που αγαπω;
μ'ενα παραπονο κι ενα γιατι οδηγο περασαμε τον αυγουστο μας
πηγαμε... σε κακο παντως δε μας βγηκε, ετσι ξαδερφη;
και τωρα...τωρα μενω να αναρωτιεμαι τι εχει συμβει, ποτε και γιατι (να το παλι αυτο το γιατι, με κατατρεχει)
τι ωρα ειναι δε θα ρωτησω κι αν θα σε χασω δεν θα μιλησω, αυτη την ωρα θελω να κλεψω και στων ματιων σου το εργο να παιξω
στο ταξιδι μου αγορασα ενα δισκο των Πυξ Λαξ με τιτλο ΤΟ ΤΕΛΟΣ
να 'ναι συμβολικο αραγε μιας καινουριας αρχης;
τι περιεργο το καλοκαιρι αυτο...
με ενα παραπονο στα χειλη ημαστε ολοι
γιατι να μην ειναι η μαμα εδω;
γιατι το ξενοδοχειο να ειναι λερωμενο;
γιατι να μη με γνωριζουν αυτοι που αγαπω;
μ'ενα παραπονο κι ενα γιατι οδηγο περασαμε τον αυγουστο μας
πηγαμε... σε κακο παντως δε μας βγηκε, ετσι ξαδερφη;
και τωρα...τωρα μενω να αναρωτιεμαι τι εχει συμβει, ποτε και γιατι (να το παλι αυτο το γιατι, με κατατρεχει)
τι ωρα ειναι δε θα ρωτησω κι αν θα σε χασω δεν θα μιλησω, αυτη την ωρα θελω να κλεψω και στων ματιων σου το εργο να παιξω
στο ταξιδι μου αγορασα ενα δισκο των Πυξ Λαξ με τιτλο ΤΟ ΤΕΛΟΣ
να 'ναι συμβολικο αραγε μιας καινουριας αρχης;
Sunday, August 06, 2006
"you can never go home" that's what you said first time I returned to my parents home
questions now rise
doubts that creep up from dark, scary places
in the dim corridors of my thoughts I find nothing
sometimes the emptiness is frightening
sometimes the fullness is smothering
I long for you touch
I ache for your kiss
I miss the companionship
how funny...
life chooses us sometimes, not the other way around
questions now rise
doubts that creep up from dark, scary places
in the dim corridors of my thoughts I find nothing
sometimes the emptiness is frightening
sometimes the fullness is smothering
I long for you touch
I ache for your kiss
I miss the companionship
how funny...
life chooses us sometimes, not the other way around
Friday, July 28, 2006
painfully obvious
it's painfully obvious that dad doesn't know how to handle us
it's painfully obvious that mom is not here
it's painfully obvious that you are not here with me, holding my hand as you always do
it's painfully obvious that things are not the same
it's painfully obvious that I 'm the woman of the house and I don't like it!
it's painfully obvious that I am left to deal with the changes in life as a grown up!
I don't know whether realizing all these is good or bad
I only know that I am lucky enough to have a partner who's always going to help me through thick and thin!
That's just joyfully obvious!
it's painfully obvious that mom is not here
it's painfully obvious that you are not here with me, holding my hand as you always do
it's painfully obvious that things are not the same
it's painfully obvious that I 'm the woman of the house and I don't like it!
it's painfully obvious that I am left to deal with the changes in life as a grown up!
I don't know whether realizing all these is good or bad
I only know that I am lucky enough to have a partner who's always going to help me through thick and thin!
That's just joyfully obvious!
Monday, July 17, 2006
fear and joy
I 'm going to Cyprus in a week
First time I will be there since March
First time I will walk in the house I grew up without her waiting for me
When I went there back in March, I was so confused I didn't really know what to expect
Now I know for a fact that she will not be waiting for me
She has been visiting my dreams every single night for the past week and a half
I see her every night and I wake up with a sense of loss
everytime she is either sick or dying and I am trying to make it there on time
but I am always late
I thought I had accepted this horrible misfortune
I thought I was over it
I thought wrong
you know, sometimes when I call home, I still expect to pick up the phone
and today, today she would have been the first to call me to wish me happy name day
instead, the phone is silent
no ringing yet
I know everybody will call
I know she is wishing all the best from where she is
I am so afraid to go home
I am afraid that I will not be strong; that I will break down
I am so afraid that I will not know what to do with myself in the house
I still think that she will be there waiting for me
I miss her terribly and I don't even know how to express it
I sometimes think that all this was just a terrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from very soon
I miss you mom so much it hurts!
I know that if you were here with me you would be very frustrated that I keep saying the same thing over and over again
you would say, I know you miss me! enough! we will not be repeating ourselves over and over again! it loses its meaning if you keep doing that!
I know that's what you would say, and you are right!
for it is with our hearts we love, not with our words
it is with our actions, our brave action we enact love, not with fear
First time I will be there since March
First time I will walk in the house I grew up without her waiting for me
When I went there back in March, I was so confused I didn't really know what to expect
Now I know for a fact that she will not be waiting for me
She has been visiting my dreams every single night for the past week and a half
I see her every night and I wake up with a sense of loss
everytime she is either sick or dying and I am trying to make it there on time
but I am always late
I thought I had accepted this horrible misfortune
I thought I was over it
I thought wrong
you know, sometimes when I call home, I still expect to pick up the phone
and today, today she would have been the first to call me to wish me happy name day
instead, the phone is silent
no ringing yet
I know everybody will call
I know she is wishing all the best from where she is
I am so afraid to go home
I am afraid that I will not be strong; that I will break down
I am so afraid that I will not know what to do with myself in the house
I still think that she will be there waiting for me
I miss her terribly and I don't even know how to express it
I sometimes think that all this was just a terrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from very soon
I miss you mom so much it hurts!
I know that if you were here with me you would be very frustrated that I keep saying the same thing over and over again
you would say, I know you miss me! enough! we will not be repeating ourselves over and over again! it loses its meaning if you keep doing that!
I know that's what you would say, and you are right!
for it is with our hearts we love, not with our words
it is with our actions, our brave action we enact love, not with fear
Friday, July 07, 2006
same-sex marriage
Yesterday, the Court of Appeals (New York's highest court) said that it is not unconstitutional to ban same-sex marriage. The basic premise of the decision was that marriage had been clearly defined 100 years ago as between a man and a woman (as the words "bride" and "groom" clearly imply), something that reflects societal values.
The other side of this issue, as it was written by the one of judges that disagreed, is that marriage has been re-thought in the twentieth century to reflect equal rights of men and women choosing to marry (For more information check out the New York Times).
The discrimination seems too obvious to me. As a society we choose not judge marriages between a man and a woman, even when that marriage is based on financial interest or abuse of any sort. In fact, we endorse this type of marriages because they do not challenge us and do not provoke fear that "we" may be gay or be the target of gay flirting. We allow children to live in abusive families so long as the parents are not of the same sex.
It seems rather hypocritical of our society, once again, to start wars in the name of freedom while restricting the freedom of expression, civil liberties, and right to choose of a even a small percentage of its people. How sad!
The other side of this issue, as it was written by the one of judges that disagreed, is that marriage has been re-thought in the twentieth century to reflect equal rights of men and women choosing to marry (For more information check out the New York Times).
The discrimination seems too obvious to me. As a society we choose not judge marriages between a man and a woman, even when that marriage is based on financial interest or abuse of any sort. In fact, we endorse this type of marriages because they do not challenge us and do not provoke fear that "we" may be gay or be the target of gay flirting. We allow children to live in abusive families so long as the parents are not of the same sex.
It seems rather hypocritical of our society, once again, to start wars in the name of freedom while restricting the freedom of expression, civil liberties, and right to choose of a even a small percentage of its people. How sad!
Friday, June 30, 2006
trust you earned it
The hardest thing I have ever done is trust another person one hundred percent.
I am not even sure that I have done it yet.
But there is only one person who has gain my trust more than anyone ever has.
There is only one person who deserves this trust
There is only one person who is going to get it
I trust you more than I have ever trusted anyone!
Don't forget that ever!
I am not even sure that I have done it yet.
But there is only one person who has gain my trust more than anyone ever has.
There is only one person who deserves this trust
There is only one person who is going to get it
I trust you more than I have ever trusted anyone!
Don't forget that ever!
not so long ago I met a cousin who said "we have to be in pain to write, to create"
how much truth does this carry...I have neglected my writing
I am busy living a happy life
strange
I had surgery two days ago
but I am happy
as I was going under, the anesthesia was very strong I felt mom's presence
so prevalent, so affectionate
I was not alone
she was there to hold my hand through the operation
maybe that's why I didn't want to wake up
the nurse had to call my name many many times
I am never without her
I am never without love
I am never without care
even if this ordeal turns out to be more serious than I thought
I am never alone
how much truth does this carry...I have neglected my writing
I am busy living a happy life
strange
I had surgery two days ago
but I am happy
as I was going under, the anesthesia was very strong I felt mom's presence
so prevalent, so affectionate
I was not alone
she was there to hold my hand through the operation
maybe that's why I didn't want to wake up
the nurse had to call my name many many times
I am never without her
I am never without love
I am never without care
even if this ordeal turns out to be more serious than I thought
I am never alone
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Happy father's day Dad!
you don't know about the existence of this site
but I will still send you these wishes because you deserve it now more than ever!
Happy Father's Day!
I don't know how I got so lucky, but I will take it and be grateful
I love you dad, I am proud you!
but I will still send you these wishes because you deserve it now more than ever!
Happy Father's Day!
I don't know how I got so lucky, but I will take it and be grateful
I love you dad, I am proud you!
Καποιος ειπε πως η ζωη ειναι δυσκολη γι'αυτο ειν' ωραια...
Κουραστηκα με ολες τις δυσκολιες της
τι ν'απογινε αραγε εκεινη η ευκολια που βασιλευε στη ζωη μου δεν παει καιρος
Ολο παραπονα εισαι! Φτανει πια!
"Εφυγες νωρις, ουτε που προλαβα ν'αρχισω
εφυγες νωρις μα ειχα κι αλλα να σου πω" τραγουδα η Ελευθερια...
μια ζωη ολο αναχωρησεις....
ολο αντιο και να μην αργησεις
ολο παρτυ μηπως ξεχασουμε να διασκεδασουμε ολα αυτα που μας πονουν
ολο τι ωρα θα γυρισεις και ποτε θά 'ρθεις;
κι εγω καποτε να φευγω και καποτε να κουνω το 'να χερι και με τ'αλλο να σκουπιζω το δακρυ που κυλαει ποταμι
κι αλλες φορες να εκνευριζομαι γιατι εχω αναγκη τα αντιο μου...
"σκοταδι γινομαι και παραδινομαι στο ρυθμο" της θλιψης
αυτης της θλιψης απο εγωισμο γιατι υπαρχουν κι αλλες οψεις ζωης εξισου σημαντικες με μενα!
τετοιος εγωκεντρισμος....
λυπαμαι....
αχ μακαρι να μπορουσες να διαβασεις τη ψυχη μου...
τουτα τα λογια που σε σενα στελνω
ελα, ελα ψυχη μου, εχουμε παρτυ εδω!
Κουραστηκα με ολες τις δυσκολιες της
τι ν'απογινε αραγε εκεινη η ευκολια που βασιλευε στη ζωη μου δεν παει καιρος
Ολο παραπονα εισαι! Φτανει πια!
"Εφυγες νωρις, ουτε που προλαβα ν'αρχισω
εφυγες νωρις μα ειχα κι αλλα να σου πω" τραγουδα η Ελευθερια...
μια ζωη ολο αναχωρησεις....
ολο αντιο και να μην αργησεις
ολο παρτυ μηπως ξεχασουμε να διασκεδασουμε ολα αυτα που μας πονουν
ολο τι ωρα θα γυρισεις και ποτε θά 'ρθεις;
κι εγω καποτε να φευγω και καποτε να κουνω το 'να χερι και με τ'αλλο να σκουπιζω το δακρυ που κυλαει ποταμι
κι αλλες φορες να εκνευριζομαι γιατι εχω αναγκη τα αντιο μου...
"σκοταδι γινομαι και παραδινομαι στο ρυθμο" της θλιψης
αυτης της θλιψης απο εγωισμο γιατι υπαρχουν κι αλλες οψεις ζωης εξισου σημαντικες με μενα!
τετοιος εγωκεντρισμος....
λυπαμαι....
αχ μακαρι να μπορουσες να διαβασεις τη ψυχη μου...
τουτα τα λογια που σε σενα στελνω
ελα, ελα ψυχη μου, εχουμε παρτυ εδω!
Friday, June 09, 2006
I still miss you, mom
Yesterday was the three month anniversary of my mom's departure.
It's been three months and my mind cannot fully grasp the idea that she is forever gone....
I cannot believe that I will never be able to give her a hug and kiss her
Hear her voice and see her smile, tease her...
I talk to her often
I still do, I don't think I will ever stop.
Maybe I don't articulate the words but there is an ongoing conversation in the back of my mind
always...
I cannot hear her voice but I know what she is saying
I know all her answers to my questions, but my insecurities cast doubts on those answers.
I am looking forward to going to back to where I am from
I am glad that my entire family is going to be there
I am happy for that.
In the back of my mind I expect to go and find mom there
Waiting for my to have coffee in the morning, decide what we are going to cook, and watch the morning shows.
I expect to have another coffee with her at around 11am when my aunt comes downstairs to visit and talk about the family
I expect everything to be the same as it was last summer
But it's not.
She is not going to be there and I will have to go through all these rituals either by myself or with someone else
When I go back now I will have to go the cemetary to visit her
She will simply not be there
I don't think I realize that just yet!
I cannot believe that my father is holding up the way he is
Being in the house in which they spent all of their life together seems like the hardest thing to do
I think I don't have any right to complain about my loss; it doesn't compare to his
I love my parents very much
I don't think that I love one of them more than the other
I am one of those lucky people who have had a relationship with both
Mom and I are very close, woman to woman, friend to friend
Dad and I are also close; I like sports, he likes sports, I like politics , he likes politics, I enjoy and respect his opinion even though some times I don't agree with him
I am extremely lucky to say that I have a relationship with both of them
I am lucky that now at least one of them is alive and with me
I am grateful that they met and liked the man I love
I am grateful that they are proud and supportive of me
I am grateful that they know a little more about me than the rest of the family
I am lucky
but I still miss my mother!
It's been three months and my mind cannot fully grasp the idea that she is forever gone....
I cannot believe that I will never be able to give her a hug and kiss her
Hear her voice and see her smile, tease her...
I talk to her often
I still do, I don't think I will ever stop.
Maybe I don't articulate the words but there is an ongoing conversation in the back of my mind
always...
I cannot hear her voice but I know what she is saying
I know all her answers to my questions, but my insecurities cast doubts on those answers.
I am looking forward to going to back to where I am from
I am glad that my entire family is going to be there
I am happy for that.
In the back of my mind I expect to go and find mom there
Waiting for my to have coffee in the morning, decide what we are going to cook, and watch the morning shows.
I expect to have another coffee with her at around 11am when my aunt comes downstairs to visit and talk about the family
I expect everything to be the same as it was last summer
But it's not.
She is not going to be there and I will have to go through all these rituals either by myself or with someone else
When I go back now I will have to go the cemetary to visit her
She will simply not be there
I don't think I realize that just yet!
I cannot believe that my father is holding up the way he is
Being in the house in which they spent all of their life together seems like the hardest thing to do
I think I don't have any right to complain about my loss; it doesn't compare to his
I love my parents very much
I don't think that I love one of them more than the other
I am one of those lucky people who have had a relationship with both
Mom and I are very close, woman to woman, friend to friend
Dad and I are also close; I like sports, he likes sports, I like politics , he likes politics, I enjoy and respect his opinion even though some times I don't agree with him
I am extremely lucky to say that I have a relationship with both of them
I am lucky that now at least one of them is alive and with me
I am grateful that they met and liked the man I love
I am grateful that they are proud and supportive of me
I am grateful that they know a little more about me than the rest of the family
I am lucky
but I still miss my mother!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Lately I have been asking myself important questions
questions that will determine the rest of my life
One that keeps poping up in my head is how can I be sure that my decisions are correct, are they what my emotions and my mind dictate?
I listen to people who appear so sure for their decisions
I listen to people who seem to know exactly what their heart commands!
I see many people that have been married for as many years as my parents have been alive
I know people that claimed to have found their sould mate, only to discover that they are wrong!
The question remains: how can we be sure about
our path in our professional life?
the place we want to live?
the person we want to spend the rest of ourlives with?
How can we be sure about all these?
How can you question and search for an answer without hurting the person who is next to you?
How can you communicate that you are uneasy with the uncertainty without creating more uncertainty and more doubt?
I have been pondering on these questions for a while now
I know that other people have been asking themselves the same important questions
Ever since my mother died I have been questioning everything
It is almost as if the fear of getting hurt, the fear of one more loss, the fear of one more failure has made me want to simply be distant from everything and everyone
you know, simply hide away
Yet, there are people who not only stuck around, but came closer, opened up more and pursued a more intimate relationship with me
The person who from the very first day we met seemed to have a lot of faith in my potentials and capabilities
The fears are still there though, will they ever go away?
The questions are still there, will they ever be answered?
Every day I come closer to an answer to all these questions
There seems to be a single answer to all the questions
I don't think that you can ever be sure about any decision you make
I don't think that you can ever protect yourself from life or from love
Whoever said that love is like a bed of roses failed to note that roses sometimes have thorns and hurt you
Roses are beautiful flowers, but they do have thorns
Does that make them less beautiful, or even does the knowedge that they do have thorns keep us away from them?
I don't think so
I actually think that those thorns present the challenge of either working around them, or healing from their piercing your skin
Do you keep going back? Of course you do!
Because roses are beautiful!
And love is beautiful too.
So, what is love?
Love is ....whatever you want it to be!
As far as answering all those questions, well, it could be a waste of time
May be I ought to live little, take my chances and see where it gets me
One thing is for sure
I sure am lucky!
In my pain I have seen that people love me and want to be there for me
In my loss I have seen that being healthy is important not only for yourself but for those who love you
In my doubts, I still find the desire to put my thoughts in writing so I can sort them out
In my fears, I haven't made any decision that I know I will regret later
I only kind of lost the positive outlook that now I am so desperately trying to find!
And the hard part is, nobody can give it to me
Only I can get it for myself!
questions that will determine the rest of my life
One that keeps poping up in my head is how can I be sure that my decisions are correct, are they what my emotions and my mind dictate?
I listen to people who appear so sure for their decisions
I listen to people who seem to know exactly what their heart commands!
I see many people that have been married for as many years as my parents have been alive
I know people that claimed to have found their sould mate, only to discover that they are wrong!
The question remains: how can we be sure about
our path in our professional life?
the place we want to live?
the person we want to spend the rest of ourlives with?
How can we be sure about all these?
How can you question and search for an answer without hurting the person who is next to you?
How can you communicate that you are uneasy with the uncertainty without creating more uncertainty and more doubt?
I have been pondering on these questions for a while now
I know that other people have been asking themselves the same important questions
Ever since my mother died I have been questioning everything
It is almost as if the fear of getting hurt, the fear of one more loss, the fear of one more failure has made me want to simply be distant from everything and everyone
you know, simply hide away
Yet, there are people who not only stuck around, but came closer, opened up more and pursued a more intimate relationship with me
The person who from the very first day we met seemed to have a lot of faith in my potentials and capabilities
The fears are still there though, will they ever go away?
The questions are still there, will they ever be answered?
Every day I come closer to an answer to all these questions
There seems to be a single answer to all the questions
I don't think that you can ever be sure about any decision you make
I don't think that you can ever protect yourself from life or from love
Whoever said that love is like a bed of roses failed to note that roses sometimes have thorns and hurt you
Roses are beautiful flowers, but they do have thorns
Does that make them less beautiful, or even does the knowedge that they do have thorns keep us away from them?
I don't think so
I actually think that those thorns present the challenge of either working around them, or healing from their piercing your skin
Do you keep going back? Of course you do!
Because roses are beautiful!
And love is beautiful too.
So, what is love?
Love is ....whatever you want it to be!
As far as answering all those questions, well, it could be a waste of time
May be I ought to live little, take my chances and see where it gets me
One thing is for sure
I sure am lucky!
In my pain I have seen that people love me and want to be there for me
In my loss I have seen that being healthy is important not only for yourself but for those who love you
In my doubts, I still find the desire to put my thoughts in writing so I can sort them out
In my fears, I haven't made any decision that I know I will regret later
I only kind of lost the positive outlook that now I am so desperately trying to find!
And the hard part is, nobody can give it to me
Only I can get it for myself!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
words
I have been pondering on the idea of language for quite some time now...after all that is what I do...I think about language!
I am fascinated by the discrepancy between our professional lives, the way we talk in our professional settings and to the people there, the easiness that those words come to us,
and by our difficulty to come up with the right words to express ourselves to the people who care about us.
It seems that the answer is very obvious. Usually, the stakes are much higher in our personal lives than in our professional.
But, it seems that in an office, business, or academic setting one does not have to express emotions; one need only express rational views!
Yet, the language we use is so vastly different and so exhausting at times!
It seems that there is no room for mistakes in our professional lives even though the stakes in my mind are not as high as in our personal lives.
When we talk to a partner we talk with a certain ease that puts us in a position of being easily misunderstood. We simply do not pay much attention to the way we talk to the people we love! And that is where the high stakes are! Isn't that a paradox....
Amazing!
The assumptions and the expectations that come along with interpersonal relationships make life easy and difficult at the same time! It is the expectations that create problems with the people that we love!
It is the language that conveys that expectation that will create quarrels and arguments, especially if there is an inconsistency of locations in the relationship!
And then another problem arises:
how do you communicate that the expectation is not really an expectation with a sense of obligation, but rather a wish...
A wish that the words you want to hear, and the actions you want to hear are going to make you even happier
How does one communicate to a partner that patience is a virtue that many people do not possess?
How do you communicate to a partner that the language of expectation is really a language of wish, a language of "would like to," a language of something that you think is the right, it feels right, thing to do?
And, why is it easier for us to express ourselves to people we hardly know, rather than to people we know very well?
I often wish that I can get into people's minds and see how their mind and heart works...
I would love to see things, to understand life through their eyes...how wiser would that make me? Would it?
I wish that I have found the words to communicate to the one I care about that my language is one of wish, not expectation
one of desire, not obligation
and one of love, rather than pressure...
I am fascinated by the discrepancy between our professional lives, the way we talk in our professional settings and to the people there, the easiness that those words come to us,
and by our difficulty to come up with the right words to express ourselves to the people who care about us.
It seems that the answer is very obvious. Usually, the stakes are much higher in our personal lives than in our professional.
But, it seems that in an office, business, or academic setting one does not have to express emotions; one need only express rational views!
Yet, the language we use is so vastly different and so exhausting at times!
It seems that there is no room for mistakes in our professional lives even though the stakes in my mind are not as high as in our personal lives.
When we talk to a partner we talk with a certain ease that puts us in a position of being easily misunderstood. We simply do not pay much attention to the way we talk to the people we love! And that is where the high stakes are! Isn't that a paradox....
Amazing!
The assumptions and the expectations that come along with interpersonal relationships make life easy and difficult at the same time! It is the expectations that create problems with the people that we love!
It is the language that conveys that expectation that will create quarrels and arguments, especially if there is an inconsistency of locations in the relationship!
And then another problem arises:
how do you communicate that the expectation is not really an expectation with a sense of obligation, but rather a wish...
A wish that the words you want to hear, and the actions you want to hear are going to make you even happier
How does one communicate to a partner that patience is a virtue that many people do not possess?
How do you communicate to a partner that the language of expectation is really a language of wish, a language of "would like to," a language of something that you think is the right, it feels right, thing to do?
And, why is it easier for us to express ourselves to people we hardly know, rather than to people we know very well?
I often wish that I can get into people's minds and see how their mind and heart works...
I would love to see things, to understand life through their eyes...how wiser would that make me? Would it?
I wish that I have found the words to communicate to the one I care about that my language is one of wish, not expectation
one of desire, not obligation
and one of love, rather than pressure...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
How does one deal with pain?
In one of the cheesy TV shows I like to watch I heard one of the participants say "find your pain and deal with it"
It made me wonder, how do you deal with your pain?
Having "the hard conversations?"
I was never afraid, never in my entire life to have the hard conversations.
I actually think that I like the hard conversations
I like them so much that I practice them often
often enough not to consider them hard
"don't pretend that everything is ok"
Well, I don't
sometimes things are ok, some other times things are not
My question is how do you deal with a loss
how do you come to accept that you will never see your mother again?
and the hardest part is that sometimes I accept that
But some others I don't
I have flashbacks from the moments I had with her,
from her funeral,
in her coffin laying there in peace, having one of the most relaxed expressions she ever had
then, I think about going back home and I think that I am going to be spending my mornings with her as I did for the last four years....but then, I remember that she is no longer there!
I look at stores on line and I think about the gifts I have to get for family and I think what to get her, but then, I remind myself that she is no longer there!
Sometimes thinking about that is fine!
Some others it just drives me crazy!
Why is it that now as I think about my future I am not allowed to have my mom in it?
Why is it that as I think about moving on with my life I will not have her there to support me?
And why is it that there people my mom's age who still have their parents around?
I get bitter when I think this way and I really shouldn't!
I cannot help it sometimes.
My question remains, how does one deal with pain?
even the therapist cannot answer that!
then, I find myself laying on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon in my hands watching cheesy shows that make me cry so that I kind of deal with my pain....
It made me wonder, how do you deal with your pain?
Having "the hard conversations?"
I was never afraid, never in my entire life to have the hard conversations.
I actually think that I like the hard conversations
I like them so much that I practice them often
often enough not to consider them hard
"don't pretend that everything is ok"
Well, I don't
sometimes things are ok, some other times things are not
My question is how do you deal with a loss
how do you come to accept that you will never see your mother again?
and the hardest part is that sometimes I accept that
But some others I don't
I have flashbacks from the moments I had with her,
from her funeral,
in her coffin laying there in peace, having one of the most relaxed expressions she ever had
then, I think about going back home and I think that I am going to be spending my mornings with her as I did for the last four years....but then, I remember that she is no longer there!
I look at stores on line and I think about the gifts I have to get for family and I think what to get her, but then, I remind myself that she is no longer there!
Sometimes thinking about that is fine!
Some others it just drives me crazy!
Why is it that now as I think about my future I am not allowed to have my mom in it?
Why is it that as I think about moving on with my life I will not have her there to support me?
And why is it that there people my mom's age who still have their parents around?
I get bitter when I think this way and I really shouldn't!
I cannot help it sometimes.
My question remains, how does one deal with pain?
even the therapist cannot answer that!
then, I find myself laying on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon in my hands watching cheesy shows that make me cry so that I kind of deal with my pain....
Friday, May 12, 2006
μαμα mama
Αληθεια δεν ειναι υπεροχη τουτη η λεξη;
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που τα μωρα μαθαινουν πρωτα αυτη τη λεξη και μετα ολα τα υπολοιπα...
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που μαμα και μπαμπας ειναι οι δυο πρωτες λεξεις που μαθαινουμε οχι γιατι μας τις επαναλμβανουν ολοι συνεχεια, αλλα γιατι απ' αυτα τα δυο προσωπα κρεμεται ολοκληρη η ζωη μας, παντα!
Τι σημασια εχει αν εισαι μερικων ημερων ή μερικων δεκαετιων...
εισαι το μωρο καποιου κι αυτο σου δινει το δικαιωμα να ζητας δωρα στα γενεθλια σου, να θυμωνεις μαζι τους γιατι ακομα μετα απο τοσο καιρο δεν καταλαβαινουν τι κανεις με τη ζωη σου
εκνευριζεσαι γιατι το Σαββατοκυριακο θελουν οι ανθρωποι να ξεκουραστουν και δεν θελουν να κρατησουν τα'γγονια τους, αλλα τελικα, μαλλον θα το κανουν!
Μανα ειναι μονο μια, λεει η λαικη ρηση.
Σοφη κουβεντα
Ομως τη μανα δεν την κανει η γεννα αλλα η αγαπη
η αγαπη που ειναι τομοναδικο φωτεινο αστερι στον ουρανο
η αγαπη που ειναι ο φαρος στη φουρτουνιασμενη ζωη μας
η μαμα
ναι, ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να αφησεις τη μανα σου να φυγει
ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να σκεφτεσαι πως οι καλοκαιρινες διακοπες θα ειναι μειον ενας
της μαμας
μα, ταυτοχρονα, ξερεις τι σκεφτομαι;
σκεφτομαι πως ο παπας ειναι εκει και μανα και πατερας
σκεφτομαι πως οι θειες ειναι εκει, μανες πια
Δεν θα ξεχασω ποτε τα λογια της ανθουλας
"τωρα ειμαι εγω εδω για σας, ο,τι χρειατειτε, σε μενα"
Δεν εχασα λοιπον μια μανα
Κερδισα αλλη μια
κι αλλη μια
Κερδισα...
Σας αγαπω μανουλες
Σ'αγαπω Μαρουλα μου και μου λειπεις αφορητα
αλλα, σου υποσχομαι πως αν με αξιωσει ο Θεος να γινω μανα
θα προσπαθησω να ειμαι οσο καλη εισαι εσυ
Να μου ζησεις!
Να μου ζησετε!
my life is cut between Greek and English
so, I have to say what I just said above in English as well
Isn't it funny how the first words out of a child's mouth is mama
isn't it funny how we learn to call that one person first
ok, maybe papa or daddy too
but, it is not by accident
it's only because our whole life depends on these two people
it doesn't really matter if you are a few days or decades old
mama is still mama
and daddy is still daddy
they are the people you bitch to when work is not going right or when that sun of a gun for professor you have gave you a C when you really deserved an A!
they are the people who will give you new windows for a birthday present and make sure that you know that they are available to come to your house for Christmas because the kids have a right to be at their house opening presents!
they are the people who will take money out of their retirement to make sure that your life is not too difficult
those are parents!
yet, mama is special
I have lost mine
the pain and the grief make talking about mammas so much harder
my father is now both mom and dad
my aunts are now moms to me
I will never forget anthoula's words when I walked in the door from the airport to find out that my mama was no longer with us
"I am here for you now, whatever you want you come to me, to me, for whatever you want"
my God, these memories will never go away, never stop bringing tears in my eyes
never!
but, I am lucky
I haven't lost a mom, I gain one
and another
So, Happy mother's day mammas
I am proud of you and I love you
I hope that when I become a mom I will be half as good as you were
Mama mou, I miss you terribly and I love you so much it aches!
Happy mother's day!
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που τα μωρα μαθαινουν πρωτα αυτη τη λεξη και μετα ολα τα υπολοιπα...
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που μαμα και μπαμπας ειναι οι δυο πρωτες λεξεις που μαθαινουμε οχι γιατι μας τις επαναλμβανουν ολοι συνεχεια, αλλα γιατι απ' αυτα τα δυο προσωπα κρεμεται ολοκληρη η ζωη μας, παντα!
Τι σημασια εχει αν εισαι μερικων ημερων ή μερικων δεκαετιων...
εισαι το μωρο καποιου κι αυτο σου δινει το δικαιωμα να ζητας δωρα στα γενεθλια σου, να θυμωνεις μαζι τους γιατι ακομα μετα απο τοσο καιρο δεν καταλαβαινουν τι κανεις με τη ζωη σου
εκνευριζεσαι γιατι το Σαββατοκυριακο θελουν οι ανθρωποι να ξεκουραστουν και δεν θελουν να κρατησουν τα'γγονια τους, αλλα τελικα, μαλλον θα το κανουν!
Μανα ειναι μονο μια, λεει η λαικη ρηση.
Σοφη κουβεντα
Ομως τη μανα δεν την κανει η γεννα αλλα η αγαπη
η αγαπη που ειναι τομοναδικο φωτεινο αστερι στον ουρανο
η αγαπη που ειναι ο φαρος στη φουρτουνιασμενη ζωη μας
η μαμα
ναι, ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να αφησεις τη μανα σου να φυγει
ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να σκεφτεσαι πως οι καλοκαιρινες διακοπες θα ειναι μειον ενας
της μαμας
μα, ταυτοχρονα, ξερεις τι σκεφτομαι;
σκεφτομαι πως ο παπας ειναι εκει και μανα και πατερας
σκεφτομαι πως οι θειες ειναι εκει, μανες πια
Δεν θα ξεχασω ποτε τα λογια της ανθουλας
"τωρα ειμαι εγω εδω για σας, ο,τι χρειατειτε, σε μενα"
Δεν εχασα λοιπον μια μανα
Κερδισα αλλη μια
κι αλλη μια
Κερδισα...
Σας αγαπω μανουλες
Σ'αγαπω Μαρουλα μου και μου λειπεις αφορητα
αλλα, σου υποσχομαι πως αν με αξιωσει ο Θεος να γινω μανα
θα προσπαθησω να ειμαι οσο καλη εισαι εσυ
Να μου ζησεις!
Να μου ζησετε!
my life is cut between Greek and English
so, I have to say what I just said above in English as well
Isn't it funny how the first words out of a child's mouth is mama
isn't it funny how we learn to call that one person first
ok, maybe papa or daddy too
but, it is not by accident
it's only because our whole life depends on these two people
it doesn't really matter if you are a few days or decades old
mama is still mama
and daddy is still daddy
they are the people you bitch to when work is not going right or when that sun of a gun for professor you have gave you a C when you really deserved an A!
they are the people who will give you new windows for a birthday present and make sure that you know that they are available to come to your house for Christmas because the kids have a right to be at their house opening presents!
they are the people who will take money out of their retirement to make sure that your life is not too difficult
those are parents!
yet, mama is special
I have lost mine
the pain and the grief make talking about mammas so much harder
my father is now both mom and dad
my aunts are now moms to me
I will never forget anthoula's words when I walked in the door from the airport to find out that my mama was no longer with us
"I am here for you now, whatever you want you come to me, to me, for whatever you want"
my God, these memories will never go away, never stop bringing tears in my eyes
never!
but, I am lucky
I haven't lost a mom, I gain one
and another
So, Happy mother's day mammas
I am proud of you and I love you
I hope that when I become a mom I will be half as good as you were
Mama mou, I miss you terribly and I love you so much it aches!
Happy mother's day!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
disappointed
how much disrespect can we show to science and to the people that represent it
it seems that many of us are simply wrapped up in their own little world
so much that we cannot understand each other, respect callings and show genuine interest for knowledge itself
it is even sadder when this type of attitude comes from people who claim they want to be part of the learning community
how sad that is I cannot begin to tell you
obviously the teacher and the observer will put you down many times
but at the end it is your knowledge and your belief that counts
never forget that!
it seems that many of us are simply wrapped up in their own little world
so much that we cannot understand each other, respect callings and show genuine interest for knowledge itself
it is even sadder when this type of attitude comes from people who claim they want to be part of the learning community
how sad that is I cannot begin to tell you
obviously the teacher and the observer will put you down many times
but at the end it is your knowledge and your belief that counts
never forget that!
Monday, May 08, 2006
μια κουραση ψυχικη
η ζωη παιζει παραξενα παιχνιδια
τους δυο τελευταιους μηνες ολο και με χαστουκιζει
κανει ολο και πιο δυσκολη την καθημερινοτητα
αυτος ο χρονος δε μ'αρεσει και τοσο
κουραστηκα
δεν ειναι πως οι δυσκολιες ειναι αξεπεραστες
ειναι που οι αντοχες μου εχουν μειωθει
ειναι που νιωθω πως οι ασπρες μερες εχουν γινει λιγακι γκριζες
κουραστηκα
πού να'σαι καλοκαιρι μου, πού;
κουραστηκα με τις αναποδιες
κουραστηκα να γκρινιαζω
κουραστηκα να σε κουραζω και να σε βλεπω να παλευεις κι εσυ μαζι μου
ενα διαλειμμα μονο ζηταω
μια φορα να κυλησει η ζωη οπως τη θελω
ποση απελπισια
ελα, ελα ηλιε μου να μου ζεστανεις τη ψυχη
ελα...
τους δυο τελευταιους μηνες ολο και με χαστουκιζει
κανει ολο και πιο δυσκολη την καθημερινοτητα
αυτος ο χρονος δε μ'αρεσει και τοσο
κουραστηκα
δεν ειναι πως οι δυσκολιες ειναι αξεπεραστες
ειναι που οι αντοχες μου εχουν μειωθει
ειναι που νιωθω πως οι ασπρες μερες εχουν γινει λιγακι γκριζες
κουραστηκα
πού να'σαι καλοκαιρι μου, πού;
κουραστηκα με τις αναποδιες
κουραστηκα να γκρινιαζω
κουραστηκα να σε κουραζω και να σε βλεπω να παλευεις κι εσυ μαζι μου
ενα διαλειμμα μονο ζηταω
μια φορα να κυλησει η ζωη οπως τη θελω
ποση απελπισια
ελα, ελα ηλιε μου να μου ζεστανεις τη ψυχη
ελα...
Monday, May 01, 2006
In solidarity of the international workers' day and of the undocumented workers
Πρωτομαγια σημερα
σε τουτη τη χωρα αρνουνται να δουν την αξια του εργατη
αρνουνται να εκτιμησουν πως οι καλοανθρεμμες οικογενειες τους εχουν ροζ μαγουλα γιατι καποιοι αλλοι ξημερωνονται στα χωραφια και στα εργοστασια, στα εστιατορια και στα πισω δωματια των καταστηματων που σερβιρουν τον καπιταλισμο ως κυριο πιατο
Κι ομως σημερα, ολοι αυτοι οι παρανομοι μεταναστες οργανωθηκαν και θα απεχουν
Τι συμβολικο
Τι γενναιο
Χαρουμενη Εργατικη Πρωτομαγια!
Today is the international workers' day. MAY Day!
How sad it is for this country not to recognize and celebrate it
Disregarding this day is throwing away a part of U.S. history
How sad that is for this country which values hard work
only this is conditional
the country values hard work only from a chunk of the population disregarding that it wouldn't really function without those undocumented workers it is now trying to kick out
So, I stand in solidarity of all the workers! Even the undocumented!
σε τουτη τη χωρα αρνουνται να δουν την αξια του εργατη
αρνουνται να εκτιμησουν πως οι καλοανθρεμμες οικογενειες τους εχουν ροζ μαγουλα γιατι καποιοι αλλοι ξημερωνονται στα χωραφια και στα εργοστασια, στα εστιατορια και στα πισω δωματια των καταστηματων που σερβιρουν τον καπιταλισμο ως κυριο πιατο
Κι ομως σημερα, ολοι αυτοι οι παρανομοι μεταναστες οργανωθηκαν και θα απεχουν
Τι συμβολικο
Τι γενναιο
Χαρουμενη Εργατικη Πρωτομαγια!
Today is the international workers' day. MAY Day!
How sad it is for this country not to recognize and celebrate it
Disregarding this day is throwing away a part of U.S. history
How sad that is for this country which values hard work
only this is conditional
the country values hard work only from a chunk of the population disregarding that it wouldn't really function without those undocumented workers it is now trying to kick out
So, I stand in solidarity of all the workers! Even the undocumented!
Friday, April 28, 2006
happy birthday
how funny it is to celebrate life and death at the same time, side by side, with the same tension, with the same emotional investment...
not even two months ago i lost an important person from my life
more than two and a half years i met an even more important, perhaps the most important person of my life
you know, that person who will be there when you are sick, angry, frustrated, happy, sad, drunk, in a silly mood, in a playful mood
the person who is now, and more likely, forever a loyal best friend
even when the best friends, those you grew up with, those who you walked through fire with, even when those are probably occupied with their own lives
even when they seem to forget you
well, my partner is celebrating his 30th birthday
what a milestone or is it?
it doesn't really matter....what matters is that he is happy
that he enjoys his birthday
that he gets back a little of the happiness and love he has given me
that is not to say that i don't want to kill him at times, or that he doesn't hurt me at times
i am sure, actually, that he can say the same about me!
but, love and communication tramp anger and frustration!
and that is certainly what my mom saw when she loved this guy instantly!
not even two months ago i lost an important person from my life
more than two and a half years i met an even more important, perhaps the most important person of my life
you know, that person who will be there when you are sick, angry, frustrated, happy, sad, drunk, in a silly mood, in a playful mood
the person who is now, and more likely, forever a loyal best friend
even when the best friends, those you grew up with, those who you walked through fire with, even when those are probably occupied with their own lives
even when they seem to forget you
well, my partner is celebrating his 30th birthday
what a milestone or is it?
it doesn't really matter....what matters is that he is happy
that he enjoys his birthday
that he gets back a little of the happiness and love he has given me
that is not to say that i don't want to kill him at times, or that he doesn't hurt me at times
i am sure, actually, that he can say the same about me!
but, love and communication tramp anger and frustration!
and that is certainly what my mom saw when she loved this guy instantly!
Monday, April 24, 2006
a choice of departure, that's what you made
departing; you are departing little by little
you are departing to world none of us knows...
you 're going to meet the son you lost and your parents
you are leaving us behind to cry and look for you presence
you are leaving us all by ourselves
maybe that's the way we are supposed to be, self sufficient
you know, independence is priceless and you had it
you needed nothing and noone
you always did what the heart and mind commanded, but you mostly followed your heart
you always chose to be with us, always making choices
a woman who knows what she wants, knows how to love, how to give
how to be a partner, a mother, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a grandmother and whatever else you can imagine
i am not going to tire everyone out listing all of your qualities or with descriptions of how good of a mother you are
i know you would have hated that!
it's almost as if i hear your voice
"come on, come on now isn't there anything else for you to tell us?"
really, what more can say?
those who loved you know you very well
those who pretended to love you will wonder why the mourning
they will simply go on with their lives not realizing they have lost a one in a lifetime opportunity to meet an authentic woman!
the journeys we choose teach us many lessons
my journey taught me about adulthood, womanhood, partnership, independence, and self sufficiency
the journey you depart on now is going to teach us how to be happy again with a different kind of yoru presence
know that we love you
know that we all want you to be proud of us
know that we will always have you with us because the footprint of your love is inerasable!
have a great journey!
written on March 7, 2006 6:40pm Eastern Time, on the plane waiting for take off
this plane was going to take me home to see my mom before she departed
in my home country it was 1:40am March 8, 2006
my mom had departed for her journey at 12:30am March 8, 2006, but I didn't know that....
you are departing to world none of us knows...
you 're going to meet the son you lost and your parents
you are leaving us behind to cry and look for you presence
you are leaving us all by ourselves
maybe that's the way we are supposed to be, self sufficient
you know, independence is priceless and you had it
you needed nothing and noone
you always did what the heart and mind commanded, but you mostly followed your heart
you always chose to be with us, always making choices
a woman who knows what she wants, knows how to love, how to give
how to be a partner, a mother, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a grandmother and whatever else you can imagine
i am not going to tire everyone out listing all of your qualities or with descriptions of how good of a mother you are
i know you would have hated that!
it's almost as if i hear your voice
"come on, come on now isn't there anything else for you to tell us?"
really, what more can say?
those who loved you know you very well
those who pretended to love you will wonder why the mourning
they will simply go on with their lives not realizing they have lost a one in a lifetime opportunity to meet an authentic woman!
the journeys we choose teach us many lessons
my journey taught me about adulthood, womanhood, partnership, independence, and self sufficiency
the journey you depart on now is going to teach us how to be happy again with a different kind of yoru presence
know that we love you
know that we all want you to be proud of us
know that we will always have you with us because the footprint of your love is inerasable!
have a great journey!
written on March 7, 2006 6:40pm Eastern Time, on the plane waiting for take off
this plane was going to take me home to see my mom before she departed
in my home country it was 1:40am March 8, 2006
my mom had departed for her journey at 12:30am March 8, 2006, but I didn't know that....
συννεφια
κοιταζω τα πραγματα σου
κοιταζω τις αναμνησεις που κρατησες μες στην καρδια σου, αυτες που φυλαγες καλα σκεπασμενες στο συρταρι
κοιταζω ολα αυτα που αγκαλιασα
αυτα που μετεφερα στην αλλη ακρη του ωκεανου
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα χωρεσει στο μυαλο μου ποτε
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα σταματησει το δακρυ να κυλα καθε φορα που σκεφτομαι πως τα ματια μου δε θα δουν τη μορφη σου
αναρωτιεμαι...
εχει συννεφια και κανει κρυο σημερα
ταιριαζει στη διαθεση μου
μου λειπεις
μου λειπεις πολυ σημερα
μου λειπει η αγκαλια σου
η μορφη σου
να'ναι αραγε που 'ναι δευτερα;
ή ισως που εχουμε γιορτη κι η απουσια σου με χαστουκιζει δυνατα;
λυπαμαι καλη μου, λυπαμαι πολυ που δεν εισαι εδω, μου λειπεις!
προσπαθω να βρω τη δικη μου ηλιακτιδα, μια μονο ν'αγγιξει τη ψυχη μου σημερα,
προσπαθω...προσπαθω
κοιταζω τις αναμνησεις που κρατησες μες στην καρδια σου, αυτες που φυλαγες καλα σκεπασμενες στο συρταρι
κοιταζω ολα αυτα που αγκαλιασα
αυτα που μετεφερα στην αλλη ακρη του ωκεανου
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα χωρεσει στο μυαλο μου ποτε
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα σταματησει το δακρυ να κυλα καθε φορα που σκεφτομαι πως τα ματια μου δε θα δουν τη μορφη σου
αναρωτιεμαι...
εχει συννεφια και κανει κρυο σημερα
ταιριαζει στη διαθεση μου
μου λειπεις
μου λειπεις πολυ σημερα
μου λειπει η αγκαλια σου
η μορφη σου
να'ναι αραγε που 'ναι δευτερα;
ή ισως που εχουμε γιορτη κι η απουσια σου με χαστουκιζει δυνατα;
λυπαμαι καλη μου, λυπαμαι πολυ που δεν εισαι εδω, μου λειπεις!
προσπαθω να βρω τη δικη μου ηλιακτιδα, μια μονο ν'αγγιξει τη ψυχη μου σημερα,
προσπαθω...προσπαθω
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Easter rituals
I have not been back to my country for Easter for the last four years.
This year, particularly because of my mother's sudden departure, I have increased desire to be there.
It is rather impossible, unbearably impossible for me to be there.
I don't really care about the strictly religious aspect of Easter. I care about the spiritual.
I care about reinforcing familial bonds; being with the people I grew up with
I care about the funny rituals of Easter.
Tonight: The crucifixion: go to church by eight, go home and watch the second part of Jesus of Nazareth. Get together at my aunt's and drink.
Tomorrow morning: Epitaphios Decoration, Apokathelosis
Tomorrow evening: Epitaphios: Go to church around six forty five and catch the last of the Lamentations, stand outside the church with the rest of the crowd and wait for Epitaphios to come out. While waiting, converse with acquaintances you haven't seen since last Easter. When Epitaphios comes out, start walking toward Severis Avenue, right where P & P Ice Cream used to be and wait for Epitaphios to come by. While waiting, joke around with family and totally miss the fact that Epitaphios is really Jesus' funeral. Nevertheless, poking jokes at the pretentious attitude of the church-goers is really an integral part of Good Friday. When Epitaphios gets closer, proceed to get in position to admire the beautiful decorative flowers on it. Then, start walking behind it with the rest of the crowd. This year we are going to be minus one... Go home, watch the third part of Jesus of Nazareth. Get together at my aunt's and drink.
Saturday morning: Go to church early so that you make it for the part when the women found out that Christ was resurrected when they went to put spices on His body.
Saturday early evening: While watching the last part of Jesus of Nazareth prepare the soup. Go outside to the field around the corner and admire the fire in which a Judas doll is going to symbolically burn showing that traitors are usually punished, but also forgiven.
Saturday at around 11:45pm: Go to church for the Resurrection Service. Stand at the usual "family corner." Wonder whether all the members of the family will make it to church on time before the Resurrection. Poke jokes at each other and embarrass my mom (not really this year although I am sure that she will be looking down from Heaven giving us the same comments!) and my aunts. Get frustrated with the church's speakers/audio system which every year breaks down at the most important part of the service! Light the candles, try not burn people's clothes and hair.
Midnight: Jesus Resurrects to save the living and the dead from their sins. With him hope is reborn in all of us. The hope that our lives will become better with less hurting and more joy and happiness. With Jesus, our mom resurrects in our minds. She is going to be there by our side reminding us that traditions remind us of who we are. Rituals reinforce bonds and maintain a sense of direction and determination to make it where ever we are headed, learning and remembering on the way that it is not the destination that matters, but the journey. As the poet said: Ithaca gave you the beautiful journey...as wise as you now are you will know what Ithacas mean...
12:30am: Go home and eat the soup we previously cooked. Have a drink or two and go to bed.
Easter Sunday: Wake up late. Prepare for souvla eating, lots of it. Eat all day, drink all day and night.
That concludes Easter Sunday.
But, really there is Easter Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and the whole Easter Week which is really the week after Holy Week. It consists of lots of eating at other extended family members' house.
Easter is not about religion only.
It is about family.
It is about bonding.
Rebirth.
I miss this Easter.
I have created a version of it here. Not the same, but also mine.
This year is going to be difficult for all of them, all of us, going through the annual Easter rituals without having my mom there.
It is difficult for me to think of Easter without her.
I told her a couple of weeks before she left us that I really miss spending Easter with them
She replied, but we can't do differently, you cannot be here so don't be sad.
This time, it is all of us that cannot do any other way, so we should not be sad.
This is what she wanted.
So, lets all go through our traditions, our rituals, because they remind us of who we are and where we come from!
And that is something to be proud of!
Don't be sad, she would have never wanted that!
Monday, April 17, 2006
I am supposed to let you go today mom...I am not sure I can...
How are we supposed to learn to live without you, I don't know
Our lives have changed so drastically, so abruptly, so painfully
I miss you every day a little more
I wish I had words of wisdom to share with those around us
I don't.
Today I don't have much faith
it's one of those days I feel I have nothing other than the huge emptiness your departure left behind
I have my thoughts and they are not a good companion right now
I have my darkness
my fears
my guilt
How are we supposed to learn to live without you, I don't know
Our lives have changed so drastically, so abruptly, so painfully
I miss you every day a little more
I wish I had words of wisdom to share with those around us
I don't.
Today I don't have much faith
it's one of those days I feel I have nothing other than the huge emptiness your departure left behind
I have my thoughts and they are not a good companion right now
I have my darkness
my fears
my guilt
Friday, April 14, 2006
χρονια πολλα
χρονια πολλα...
σημερα γιορταζεις τα γενεθλια σου με τη μαμα
ποσος καιρος παει...καλα να περασετε!
να γιορτασετε, να χορεψετε, να φιληθειτε!
παει καιρος να ειστε παρεα, αλλα τωρα ειστε μαζι...
happy birthday...
σημερα γιορταζεις τα γενεθλια σου με τη μαμα
ποσος καιρος παει...καλα να περασετε!
να γιορτασετε, να χορεψετε, να φιληθειτε!
παει καιρος να ειστε παρεα, αλλα τωρα ειστε μαζι...
happy birthday...
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Faith
Faith...
Something that I have lost and found and lost again and found again many many times over the last few weeks...
Faith...
You have to take a huge leap of faith to be with someone
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to move to a different place
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you start a new job
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose an important person from your life
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose sight of what matters to find it again
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to have children
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you open your heart and soul to someone
Faith...
I wonder what it would be like to have no faith at all times
When I lose my faith in everything, all I can feel is an enormous void
It is as if I am dead, unable to feel anything, unable to realize the point of our existence
I don't like that
I don't want to be in that state, I really don't
At the same time, it is some times necessary for that way I remember why I like life so much
It is as if without sometimes being in a state of no faith, you cannot have faith
I come out of it with a greater desire to continue to have faith in everything
in you, in me, in God, in other people, in life...
I believe that the choices we make lead us where we are supposed to be
I believe that whatever God, or whatever one chooses as a guide for life, takes one to the right place
I believe in you, my love
I believe that you are never going to stop making my life more beautiful
I believe that the spirit of my mom will always be with me as a whispering voice in the back of my head asking me whether what I'm about to do is really the right thing
I believe that I am going to become as happy as I were while she was still physically present
I believe that I am going to help make this world a little better by being a good person
I believe...
I have faith...
I don't think that I can live without it!
Something that I have lost and found and lost again and found again many many times over the last few weeks...
Faith...
You have to take a huge leap of faith to be with someone
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to move to a different place
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you start a new job
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose an important person from your life
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose sight of what matters to find it again
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to have children
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you open your heart and soul to someone
Faith...
I wonder what it would be like to have no faith at all times
When I lose my faith in everything, all I can feel is an enormous void
It is as if I am dead, unable to feel anything, unable to realize the point of our existence
I don't like that
I don't want to be in that state, I really don't
At the same time, it is some times necessary for that way I remember why I like life so much
It is as if without sometimes being in a state of no faith, you cannot have faith
I come out of it with a greater desire to continue to have faith in everything
in you, in me, in God, in other people, in life...
I believe that the choices we make lead us where we are supposed to be
I believe that whatever God, or whatever one chooses as a guide for life, takes one to the right place
I believe in you, my love
I believe that you are never going to stop making my life more beautiful
I believe that the spirit of my mom will always be with me as a whispering voice in the back of my head asking me whether what I'm about to do is really the right thing
I believe that I am going to become as happy as I were while she was still physically present
I believe that I am going to help make this world a little better by being a good person
I believe...
I have faith...
I don't think that I can live without it!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
wanting a crepe
I just remembered that you really wanted a crepe during my visit last Christmas. You were talking and talking about it. You really wanted a crepe! And I, trying to be a good daughter and friend, I went to get you one. Boy did I fail miserably! Oh, I did! I got you one with chicken and some cheese. Not much dressing 'cause I knew that your stomach couldn't really take it. I brought it home proud of myself that I did well! I really wanted you to enjoy your crepe. It had been a while since the last time you really, really wanted something to eat, so I really, REALLY wanted to deliver!
When we sat down at the dinner table and you opened the box I wanted to just disappear from the face of the earth! You had the most disgusted look on your face when you asked me "what is this?"
I said with a semi trembling, semi frustrated voice, "it's your crepe, what you asked me to bring you." You proceeded to smell it, cut a small piece to taste it, and said "this is not what I had in mind." Then, you just pushed it away...You never ate things that didn't look good to you. Never! Rest assured that this skill, some people will call it flaw, has been passed along! It lives through me! Gosh! You painted a smile on my face! Thanks!
When we sat down at the dinner table and you opened the box I wanted to just disappear from the face of the earth! You had the most disgusted look on your face when you asked me "what is this?"
I said with a semi trembling, semi frustrated voice, "it's your crepe, what you asked me to bring you." You proceeded to smell it, cut a small piece to taste it, and said "this is not what I had in mind." Then, you just pushed it away...You never ate things that didn't look good to you. Never! Rest assured that this skill, some people will call it flaw, has been passed along! It lives through me! Gosh! You painted a smile on my face! Thanks!
Sunday, April 09, 2006
already it's been a whole month
He asked me the day before yesterday to tell him a funny story about you; about us; about the times we had together. I couldn't really come up with one right away. I am not sure I can come up with one right now. All I can remember right now is the goodbye we said on January 21st first thing in the morning. All I can remember is the hug we gave each other on that sad morning, that last hug...And right after that I remember you smiling and laughing. I remember you with that particular look on your face telling me that I shouldn't really be saying "mean" things out loud, while at the same time commending me for saying what was crossing your mind as well. You and I were really alike, are really alike. Thinking of mean but funny and well intentioned things to say to the people we love because we really like teasing. You and I really alike, loving our partners but really expecting much from them. You and I are really alike, but my day and age gave me the ability and the opportunity to take more risks and do more of the things we both dreamed about. My God! I had your memorial today. I think you would have liked it!I think you did. I want to ask you a favor; can you let me know if you did? I want to let you be in peace; I want to let you be where you belong; I want to let you go...I love you!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The show must go on
I started to think that I was never going to get over the pain of this loss. Therapy has the ability to make us face our feelings and fears. I strongly recommend it as it was recommended to me, so that I return to my life without feeling half.
Indeed, the show must go on. Life doesn't stop regardless of how much I want it...Life continues.
It is absolutely amazing to me how this juxtaposition works: on the one side you have this earth-shattering, life-changing event of losing your mom and on the other side you have the earth which continues to spin around itself and the sun; you have the sun which always rises and sets every single day; you have work days to which you have to lend yourself; you have other happy events happening such as the birthday of a dear friend, the birth of a new life.
How amazing is that!
I love life, but I wish I had more time with her. I wish I never left her two months ago, although I did for good reasons and because I was respecting her wishes. I wish I had told her one last time how much I love her. I wish that I could give her one more hug like the one I gave her when she came to visit resulting in a broken set of very expensive glasses. I wish that she was still alive, continuing to be the lighthouse in my life, continuing not to advice me, but to listen and ask questions. I regret leaving her. I regret it.
I am so sorry mom, I am so sorry, I' m sorry, I love you
Indeed, the show must go on. Life doesn't stop regardless of how much I want it...Life continues.
It is absolutely amazing to me how this juxtaposition works: on the one side you have this earth-shattering, life-changing event of losing your mom and on the other side you have the earth which continues to spin around itself and the sun; you have the sun which always rises and sets every single day; you have work days to which you have to lend yourself; you have other happy events happening such as the birthday of a dear friend, the birth of a new life.
How amazing is that!
I love life, but I wish I had more time with her. I wish I never left her two months ago, although I did for good reasons and because I was respecting her wishes. I wish I had told her one last time how much I love her. I wish that I could give her one more hug like the one I gave her when she came to visit resulting in a broken set of very expensive glasses. I wish that she was still alive, continuing to be the lighthouse in my life, continuing not to advice me, but to listen and ask questions. I regret leaving her. I regret it.
I am so sorry mom, I am so sorry, I' m sorry, I love you
Saturday, April 01, 2006
poso mou leipeis
Alitheia sou eipa poso mou leipeis...
anarwriemai an h apousia sou tha ginei pote ligotero avastaxti
anarwtiemai giati sti dikia mou ti zwi eprepe na erthei to sinnefo
ti egwismos, ti ivris
mou leipeis poli
i have lost my lighthouse
i have lost the essence of creation
i miss you
i cannot bear myself
i cannot stand myself
i miss you
i want you back
i want you here
not merely in my heart
not merely in my mind
i want you here
i miss you
i love you
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