Friday, April 28, 2006

happy birthday

how funny it is to celebrate life and death at the same time, side by side, with the same tension, with the same emotional investment...
not even two months ago i lost an important person from my life
more than two and a half years i met an even more important, perhaps the most important person of my life
you know, that person who will be there when you are sick, angry, frustrated, happy, sad, drunk, in a silly mood, in a playful mood
the person who is now, and more likely, forever a loyal best friend
even when the best friends, those you grew up with, those who you walked through fire with, even when those are probably occupied with their own lives
even when they seem to forget you
well, my partner is celebrating his 30th birthday
what a milestone or is it?
it doesn't really matter....what matters is that he is happy
that he enjoys his birthday
that he gets back a little of the happiness and love he has given me
that is not to say that i don't want to kill him at times, or that he doesn't hurt me at times
i am sure, actually, that he can say the same about me!
but, love and communication tramp anger and frustration!
and that is certainly what my mom saw when she loved this guy instantly!

Monday, April 24, 2006

a choice of departure, that's what you made

departing; you are departing little by little
you are departing to world none of us knows...
you 're going to meet the son you lost and your parents
you are leaving us behind to cry and look for you presence
you are leaving us all by ourselves
maybe that's the way we are supposed to be, self sufficient
you know, independence is priceless and you had it
you needed nothing and noone
you always did what the heart and mind commanded, but you mostly followed your heart
you always chose to be with us, always making choices
a woman who knows what she wants, knows how to love, how to give
how to be a partner, a mother, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a grandmother and whatever else you can imagine
i am not going to tire everyone out listing all of your qualities or with descriptions of how good of a mother you are
i know you would have hated that!
it's almost as if i hear your voice
"come on, come on now isn't there anything else for you to tell us?"
really, what more can say?
those who loved you know you very well
those who pretended to love you will wonder why the mourning
they will simply go on with their lives not realizing they have lost a one in a lifetime opportunity to meet an authentic woman!
the journeys we choose teach us many lessons
my journey taught me about adulthood, womanhood, partnership, independence, and self sufficiency
the journey you depart on now is going to teach us how to be happy again with a different kind of yoru presence
know that we love you
know that we all want you to be proud of us
know that we will always have you with us because the footprint of your love is inerasable!
have a great journey!

written on March 7, 2006 6:40pm Eastern Time, on the plane waiting for take off
this plane was going to take me home to see my mom before she departed
in my home country it was 1:40am March 8, 2006
my mom had departed for her journey at 12:30am March 8, 2006, but I didn't know that....

συννεφια

κοιταζω τα πραγματα σου
κοιταζω τις αναμνησεις που κρατησες μες στην καρδια σου, αυτες που φυλαγες καλα σκεπασμενες στο συρταρι
κοιταζω ολα αυτα που αγκαλιασα
αυτα που μετεφερα στην αλλη ακρη του ωκεανου
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα χωρεσει στο μυαλο μου ποτε
αναρωτιεμαι αν θα σταματησει το δακρυ να κυλα καθε φορα που σκεφτομαι πως τα ματια μου δε θα δουν τη μορφη σου
αναρωτιεμαι...
εχει συννεφια και κανει κρυο σημερα
ταιριαζει στη διαθεση μου
μου λειπεις
μου λειπεις πολυ σημερα
μου λειπει η αγκαλια σου
η μορφη σου
να'ναι αραγε που 'ναι δευτερα;
ή ισως που εχουμε γιορτη κι η απουσια σου με χαστουκιζει δυνατα;
λυπαμαι καλη μου, λυπαμαι πολυ που δεν εισαι εδω, μου λειπεις!
προσπαθω να βρω τη δικη μου ηλιακτιδα, μια μονο ν'αγγιξει τη ψυχη μου σημερα,
προσπαθω...προσπαθω

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Easter rituals


I have not been back to my country for Easter for the last four years.
This year, particularly because of my mother's sudden departure, I have increased desire to be there.
It is rather impossible, unbearably impossible for me to be there.
I don't really care about the strictly religious aspect of Easter. I care about the spiritual.
I care about reinforcing familial bonds; being with the people I grew up with
I care about the funny rituals of Easter.
Tonight: The crucifixion: go to church by eight, go home and watch the second part of Jesus of Nazareth. Get together at my aunt's and drink.
Tomorrow morning: Epitaphios Decoration, Apokathelosis
Tomorrow evening: Epitaphios: Go to church around six forty five and catch the last of the Lamentations, stand outside the church with the rest of the crowd and wait for Epitaphios to come out. While waiting, converse with acquaintances you haven't seen since last Easter. When Epitaphios comes out, start walking toward Severis Avenue, right where P & P Ice Cream used to be and wait for Epitaphios to come by. While waiting, joke around with family and totally miss the fact that Epitaphios is really Jesus' funeral. Nevertheless, poking jokes at the pretentious attitude of the church-goers is really an integral part of Good Friday. When Epitaphios gets closer, proceed to get in position to admire the beautiful decorative flowers on it. Then, start walking behind it with the rest of the crowd. This year we are going to be minus one... Go home, watch the third part of Jesus of Nazareth. Get together at my aunt's and drink.
Saturday morning: Go to church early so that you make it for the part when the women found out that Christ was resurrected when they went to put spices on His body.
Saturday early evening: While watching the last part of Jesus of Nazareth prepare the soup. Go outside to the field around the corner and admire the fire in which a Judas doll is going to symbolically burn showing that traitors are usually punished, but also forgiven.
Saturday at around 11:45pm: Go to church for the Resurrection Service. Stand at the usual "family corner." Wonder whether all the members of the family will make it to church on time before the Resurrection. Poke jokes at each other and embarrass my mom (not really this year although I am sure that she will be looking down from Heaven giving us the same comments!) and my aunts. Get frustrated with the church's speakers/audio system which every year breaks down at the most important part of the service! Light the candles, try not burn people's clothes and hair.
Midnight: Jesus Resurrects to save the living and the dead from their sins. With him hope is reborn in all of us. The hope that our lives will become better with less hurting and more joy and happiness. With Jesus, our mom resurrects in our minds. She is going to be there by our side reminding us that traditions remind us of who we are. Rituals reinforce bonds and maintain a sense of direction and determination to make it where ever we are headed, learning and remembering on the way that it is not the destination that matters, but the journey. As the poet said: Ithaca gave you the beautiful journey...as wise as you now are you will know what Ithacas mean...
12:30am: Go home and eat the soup we previously cooked. Have a drink or two and go to bed.
Easter Sunday: Wake up late. Prepare for souvla eating, lots of it. Eat all day, drink all day and night.
That concludes Easter Sunday.
But, really there is Easter Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and the whole Easter Week which is really the week after Holy Week. It consists of lots of eating at other extended family members' house.
Easter is not about religion only.
It is about family.
It is about bonding.
Rebirth.
I miss this Easter.
I have created a version of it here. Not the same, but also mine.
This year is going to be difficult for all of them, all of us, going through the annual Easter rituals without having my mom there.
It is difficult for me to think of Easter without her.
I told her a couple of weeks before she left us that I really miss spending Easter with them
She replied, but we can't do differently, you cannot be here so don't be sad.
This time, it is all of us that cannot do any other way, so we should not be sad.
This is what she wanted.
So, lets all go through our traditions, our rituals, because they remind us of who we are and where we come from!
And that is something to be proud of!
Don't be sad, she would have never wanted that!

Monday, April 17, 2006

I am supposed to let you go today mom...I am not sure I can...
How are we supposed to learn to live without you, I don't know
Our lives have changed so drastically, so abruptly, so painfully
I miss you every day a little more
I wish I had words of wisdom to share with those around us
I don't.
Today I don't have much faith
it's one of those days I feel I have nothing other than the huge emptiness your departure left behind
I have my thoughts and they are not a good companion right now
I have my darkness
my fears
my guilt

Friday, April 14, 2006

χρονια πολλα

χρονια πολλα...
σημερα γιορταζεις τα γενεθλια σου με τη μαμα
ποσος καιρος παει...καλα να περασετε!
να γιορτασετε, να χορεψετε, να φιληθειτε!
παει καιρος να ειστε παρεα, αλλα τωρα ειστε μαζι...

happy birthday...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Faith

Faith...
Something that I have lost and found and lost again and found again many many times over the last few weeks...
Faith...
You have to take a huge leap of faith to be with someone
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to move to a different place
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you start a new job
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose an important person from your life
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you lose sight of what matters to find it again
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you decide to have children
You have to take a huge leap of faith when you open your heart and soul to someone
Faith...
I wonder what it would be like to have no faith at all times
When I lose my faith in everything, all I can feel is an enormous void
It is as if I am dead, unable to feel anything, unable to realize the point of our existence
I don't like that
I don't want to be in that state, I really don't
At the same time, it is some times necessary for that way I remember why I like life so much
It is as if without sometimes being in a state of no faith, you cannot have faith
I come out of it with a greater desire to continue to have faith in everything
in you, in me, in God, in other people, in life...
I believe that the choices we make lead us where we are supposed to be
I believe that whatever God, or whatever one chooses as a guide for life, takes one to the right place
I believe in you, my love
I believe that you are never going to stop making my life more beautiful
I believe that the spirit of my mom will always be with me as a whispering voice in the back of my head asking me whether what I'm about to do is really the right thing
I believe that I am going to become as happy as I were while she was still physically present
I believe that I am going to help make this world a little better by being a good person
I believe...
I have faith...
I don't think that I can live without it!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

wanting a crepe

I just remembered that you really wanted a crepe during my visit last Christmas. You were talking and talking about it. You really wanted a crepe! And I, trying to be a good daughter and friend, I went to get you one. Boy did I fail miserably! Oh, I did! I got you one with chicken and some cheese. Not much dressing 'cause I knew that your stomach couldn't really take it. I brought it home proud of myself that I did well! I really wanted you to enjoy your crepe. It had been a while since the last time you really, really wanted something to eat, so I really, REALLY wanted to deliver!

When we sat down at the dinner table and you opened the box I wanted to just disappear from the face of the earth! You had the most disgusted look on your face when you asked me "what is this?"
I said with a semi trembling, semi frustrated voice, "it's your crepe, what you asked me to bring you." You proceeded to smell it, cut a small piece to taste it, and said "this is not what I had in mind." Then, you just pushed it away...You never ate things that didn't look good to you. Never! Rest assured that this skill, some people will call it flaw, has been passed along! It lives through me! Gosh! You painted a smile on my face! Thanks!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

already it's been a whole month

He asked me the day before yesterday to tell him a funny story about you; about us; about the times we had together. I couldn't really come up with one right away. I am not sure I can come up with one right now. All I can remember right now is the goodbye we said on January 21st first thing in the morning. All I can remember is the hug we gave each other on that sad morning, that last hug...And right after that I remember you smiling and laughing. I remember you with that particular look on your face telling me that I shouldn't really be saying "mean" things out loud, while at the same time commending me for saying what was crossing your mind as well. You and I were really alike, are really alike. Thinking of mean but funny and well intentioned things to say to the people we love because we really like teasing. You and I really alike, loving our partners but really expecting much from them. You and I are really alike, but my day and age gave me the ability and the opportunity to take more risks and do more of the things we both dreamed about. My God! I had your memorial today. I think you would have liked it!I think you did. I want to ask you a favor; can you let me know if you did? I want to let you be in peace; I want to let you be where you belong; I want to let you go...I love you!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The show must go on

I started to think that I was never going to get over the pain of this loss. Therapy has the ability to make us face our feelings and fears. I strongly recommend it as it was recommended to me, so that I return to my life without feeling half.
Indeed, the show must go on. Life doesn't stop regardless of how much I want it...Life continues.
It is absolutely amazing to me how this juxtaposition works: on the one side you have this earth-shattering, life-changing event of losing your mom and on the other side you have the earth which continues to spin around itself and the sun; you have the sun which always rises and sets every single day; you have work days to which you have to lend yourself; you have other happy events happening such as the birthday of a dear friend, the birth of a new life.
How amazing is that!
I love life, but I wish I had more time with her. I wish I never left her two months ago, although I did for good reasons and because I was respecting her wishes. I wish I had told her one last time how much I love her. I wish that I could give her one more hug like the one I gave her when she came to visit resulting in a broken set of very expensive glasses. I wish that she was still alive, continuing to be the lighthouse in my life, continuing not to advice me, but to listen and ask questions. I regret leaving her. I regret it.
I am so sorry mom, I am so sorry, I' m sorry, I love you

Saturday, April 01, 2006

poso mou leipeis


Alitheia sou eipa poso mou leipeis...
anarwriemai an h apousia sou tha ginei pote ligotero avastaxti
anarwtiemai giati sti dikia mou ti zwi eprepe na erthei to sinnefo
ti egwismos, ti ivris
mou leipeis poli
i have lost my lighthouse
i have lost the essence of creation
i miss you
i cannot bear myself
i cannot stand myself
i miss you
i want you back
i want you here
not merely in my heart
not merely in my mind
i want you here
i miss you
i love you