Thursday, April 19, 2007

Cancer.....

I am listening to the Morning Edition on National Public Radio right now, as I do every morning. There was a story just a few minutes ago about a breast cancer risk calculator. Needless to say, I took the test. Of course I lied on the test because it is a tool for women above 35. I am not quite there yet, but I will be soon enough and I want to know what my chances are!

It seems that my chances of developing cancer by the time I am 40 are about 1%. This percentage is about 0.7% higher than the average woman. The test only asked me about first degree relatives who have had cancer. I answered 1. Now here's where it gets scary but funny. I have about 25% chances of developing breast cancer by the time I am 90! So it's scary! 25% is a large percentage. But, on the other hand, the latter part of the sentence is quite funny: 90! If my soon to be husband doesn't kill me till then I will live to be 90! 90....I think about it and my thought is, if I live to be 90 I will be lucky.

My mom was 66 when she died. Only her mother had breast cancer as far as we know. She had her first child when she was 28, about my age. As far as I know she breast fed. She never really worked out, but ate relatively healthy. Never smoked. Yet, she developed cancer when she was 53, was in remission for about five or six years, and then went out of remission when she was 60. She lived with cancer for about six years. In 2004 she started to decline. When she came to visit, it was as if she was a different person. She could not walk very far or quickly, she was not keen to try exotic or out of the ordinary dishes. She started to be a little quieter, more withdrawn. Still, she made it through two years of breast cancer. Only in the last year, after she started chemotherapy for the very first time (!!!!) , one could see just how ill she was. She lost even more weight, she was depressed and even more withdrawn... Her spirit was shattered. That was the greatest defeat for her. Actually, she decide to depart only nine months after her first experience with chemo.

This is the first time I am reflecting on breast cancer and my mom's journey. Mom let breast cancer take her spirit away. She saw it as a fault, a disadvantage which she never admitted to anyone. She never talked much about it. She did not feel the need to express her fears. She never wanted anyone to know that she duelled on it. I think that my dad was the only recipient of her inner thoughts. I think that she was afraid. I think she did not know how to handle herself and her fears...after all, she was the rock of the family. I think she grind her teeth too. I am not angry with her. I try not be judgemental, but it is rather difficult. I wish she could be a little more brave. I wish she showed the same courage she showed when she was 16 carrying bombs and revolution brochures in her schoolbag. But, as she said to me many time, that's how she was and I should be different. Come to think about it, she always encouraged me to be different than her on these issues.

I hear you mom, and now I understand what you were trying to tell me!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Πάσχα

Πάσχα και η αυλή βάζει τα γιορτινά της...οι φλαούνες...οι παστούδες (εκνευρίστικα όταν ανακάλυψα ότι δεν έχω τη συνταγή...)
Πάσχα...μου αρέσει το το Πάσχα...μέχρι τώρα δεν είχα συνειδητοποιήσει πόσο μέγαλο μέρος του είναι μου είναι αυτές οι γιορτές της Ορθοδοξίας!
Σήμερα ο Χριστός σταυρώνεται. Πάντα μου φέρνει δάκρυα στα μάτια αυτή η λειτουργία.
Θα πάμε εκκλησία μαζί με τον Bryan....
Σίγουρα δεν είναι το ίδιο αίσθημα του Πάσχα στην Κύπρο, όμως είναι μια άλλη εκδοχή οικογενειακής ζωής! Μιας πολυ μικρής οικογένειας, αλλά από κάπου πρέπει ν'αρχίσουμε κι εμείς!
Καλό Πάσχα σε όλους! Καλή Ανάσταση! Μου λείπετε όλοι τρομερά!
Σας έχω όμως στην καρδιά μου, άρα και δίπλα μου!