I still miss you, mom

Yesterday was the three month anniversary of my mom's departure.
It's been three months and my mind cannot fully grasp the idea that she is forever gone....
I cannot believe that I will never be able to give her a hug and kiss her
Hear her voice and see her smile, tease her...
I talk to her often
I still do, I don't think I will ever stop.
Maybe I don't articulate the words but there is an ongoing conversation in the back of my mind
always...
I cannot hear her voice but I know what she is saying
I know all her answers to my questions, but my insecurities cast doubts on those answers.
I am looking forward to going to back to where I am from
I am glad that my entire family is going to be there
I am happy for that.
In the back of my mind I expect to go and find mom there
Waiting for my to have coffee in the morning, decide what we are going to cook, and watch the morning shows.
I expect to have another coffee with her at around 11am when my aunt comes downstairs to visit and talk about the family
I expect everything to be the same as it was last summer
But it's not.
She is not going to be there and I will have to go through all these rituals either by myself or with someone else
When I go back now I will have to go the cemetary to visit her
She will simply not be there
I don't think I realize that just yet!
I cannot believe that my father is holding up the way he is
Being in the house in which they spent all of their life together seems like the hardest thing to do
I think I don't have any right to complain about my loss; it doesn't compare to his
I love my parents very much
I don't think that I love one of them more than the other
I am one of those lucky people who have had a relationship with both
Mom and I are very close, woman to woman, friend to friend
Dad and I are also close; I like sports, he likes sports, I like politics , he likes politics, I enjoy and respect his opinion even though some times I don't agree with him
I am extremely lucky to say that I have a relationship with both of them
I am lucky that now at least one of them is alive and with me
I am grateful that they met and liked the man I love
I am grateful that they are proud and supportive of me
I am grateful that they know a little more about me than the rest of the family
I am lucky
but I still miss my mother!