Lately I have been asking myself important questions
questions that will determine the rest of my life
One that keeps poping up in my head is how can I be sure that my decisions are correct, are they what my emotions and my mind dictate?
I listen to people who appear so sure for their decisions
I listen to people who seem to know exactly what their heart commands!
I see many people that have been married for as many years as my parents have been alive
I know people that claimed to have found their sould mate, only to discover that they are wrong!
The question remains: how can we be sure about
our path in our professional life?
the place we want to live?
the person we want to spend the rest of ourlives with?
How can we be sure about all these?
How can you question and search for an answer without hurting the person who is next to you?
How can you communicate that you are uneasy with the uncertainty without creating more uncertainty and more doubt?
I have been pondering on these questions for a while now
I know that other people have been asking themselves the same important questions
Ever since my mother died I have been questioning everything
It is almost as if the fear of getting hurt, the fear of one more loss, the fear of one more failure has made me want to simply be distant from everything and everyone
you know, simply hide away
Yet, there are people who not only stuck around, but came closer, opened up more and pursued a more intimate relationship with me
The person who from the very first day we met seemed to have a lot of faith in my potentials and capabilities
The fears are still there though, will they ever go away?
The questions are still there, will they ever be answered?
Every day I come closer to an answer to all these questions
There seems to be a single answer to all the questions
I don't think that you can ever be sure about any decision you make
I don't think that you can ever protect yourself from life or from love
Whoever said that love is like a bed of roses failed to note that roses sometimes have thorns and hurt you
Roses are beautiful flowers, but they do have thorns
Does that make them less beautiful, or even does the knowedge that they do have thorns keep us away from them?
I don't think so
I actually think that those thorns present the challenge of either working around them, or healing from their piercing your skin
Do you keep going back? Of course you do!
Because roses are beautiful!
And love is beautiful too.
So, what is love?
Love is ....whatever you want it to be!
As far as answering all those questions, well, it could be a waste of time
May be I ought to live little, take my chances and see where it gets me
One thing is for sure
I sure am lucky!
In my pain I have seen that people love me and want to be there for me
In my loss I have seen that being healthy is important not only for yourself but for those who love you
In my doubts, I still find the desire to put my thoughts in writing so I can sort them out
In my fears, I haven't made any decision that I know I will regret later
I only kind of lost the positive outlook that now I am so desperately trying to find!
And the hard part is, nobody can give it to me
Only I can get it for myself!

words

I have been pondering on the idea of language for quite some time now...after all that is what I do...I think about language!
I am fascinated by the discrepancy between our professional lives, the way we talk in our professional settings and to the people there, the easiness that those words come to us,
and by our difficulty to come up with the right words to express ourselves to the people who care about us.
It seems that the answer is very obvious. Usually, the stakes are much higher in our personal lives than in our professional.
But, it seems that in an office, business, or academic setting one does not have to express emotions; one need only express rational views!
Yet, the language we use is so vastly different and so exhausting at times!
It seems that there is no room for mistakes in our professional lives even though the stakes in my mind are not as high as in our personal lives.
When we talk to a partner we talk with a certain ease that puts us in a position of being easily misunderstood. We simply do not pay much attention to the way we talk to the people we love! And that is where the high stakes are! Isn't that a paradox....
Amazing!
The assumptions and the expectations that come along with interpersonal relationships make life easy and difficult at the same time! It is the expectations that create problems with the people that we love!
It is the language that conveys that expectation that will create quarrels and arguments, especially if there is an inconsistency of locations in the relationship!
And then another problem arises:
how do you communicate that the expectation is not really an expectation with a sense of obligation, but rather a wish...
A wish that the words you want to hear, and the actions you want to hear are going to make you even happier
How does one communicate to a partner that patience is a virtue that many people do not possess?
How do you communicate to a partner that the language of expectation is really a language of wish, a language of "would like to," a language of something that you think is the right, it feels right, thing to do?
And, why is it easier for us to express ourselves to people we hardly know, rather than to people we know very well?
I often wish that I can get into people's minds and see how their mind and heart works...
I would love to see things, to understand life through their eyes...how wiser would that make me? Would it?
I wish that I have found the words to communicate to the one I care about that my language is one of wish, not expectation
one of desire, not obligation
and one of love, rather than pressure...

How does one deal with pain?

In one of the cheesy TV shows I like to watch I heard one of the participants say "find your pain and deal with it"
It made me wonder, how do you deal with your pain?
Having "the hard conversations?"
I was never afraid, never in my entire life to have the hard conversations.
I actually think that I like the hard conversations
I like them so much that I practice them often
often enough not to consider them hard
"don't pretend that everything is ok"
Well, I don't
sometimes things are ok, some other times things are not
My question is how do you deal with a loss
how do you come to accept that you will never see your mother again?
and the hardest part is that sometimes I accept that
But some others I don't
I have flashbacks from the moments I had with her,
from her funeral,
in her coffin laying there in peace, having one of the most relaxed expressions she ever had
then, I think about going back home and I think that I am going to be spending my mornings with her as I did for the last four years....but then, I remember that she is no longer there!
I look at stores on line and I think about the gifts I have to get for family and I think what to get her, but then, I remind myself that she is no longer there!
Sometimes thinking about that is fine!
Some others it just drives me crazy!
Why is it that now as I think about my future I am not allowed to have my mom in it?
Why is it that as I think about moving on with my life I will not have her there to support me?
And why is it that there people my mom's age who still have their parents around?
I get bitter when I think this way and I really shouldn't!
I cannot help it sometimes.
My question remains, how does one deal with pain?
even the therapist cannot answer that!
then, I find myself laying on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon in my hands watching cheesy shows that make me cry so that I kind of deal with my pain....

μαμα mama

Αληθεια δεν ειναι υπεροχη τουτη η λεξη;
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που τα μωρα μαθαινουν πρωτα αυτη τη λεξη και μετα ολα τα υπολοιπα...
δεν ειναι τυχαιο που μαμα και μπαμπας ειναι οι δυο πρωτες λεξεις που μαθαινουμε οχι γιατι μας τις επαναλμβανουν ολοι συνεχεια, αλλα γιατι απ' αυτα τα δυο προσωπα κρεμεται ολοκληρη η ζωη μας, παντα!
Τι σημασια εχει αν εισαι μερικων ημερων ή μερικων δεκαετιων...
εισαι το μωρο καποιου κι αυτο σου δινει το δικαιωμα να ζητας δωρα στα γενεθλια σου, να θυμωνεις μαζι τους γιατι ακομα μετα απο τοσο καιρο δεν καταλαβαινουν τι κανεις με τη ζωη σου
εκνευριζεσαι γιατι το Σαββατοκυριακο θελουν οι ανθρωποι να ξεκουραστουν και δεν θελουν να κρατησουν τα'γγονια τους, αλλα τελικα, μαλλον θα το κανουν!
Μανα ειναι μονο μια, λεει η λαικη ρηση.
Σοφη κουβεντα
Ομως τη μανα δεν την κανει η γεννα αλλα η αγαπη
η αγαπη που ειναι τομοναδικο φωτεινο αστερι στον ουρανο
η αγαπη που ειναι ο φαρος στη φουρτουνιασμενη ζωη μας
η μαμα
ναι, ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να αφησεις τη μανα σου να φυγει
ειναι πολυ δυσκολο να σκεφτεσαι πως οι καλοκαιρινες διακοπες θα ειναι μειον ενας
της μαμας
μα, ταυτοχρονα, ξερεις τι σκεφτομαι;
σκεφτομαι πως ο παπας ειναι εκει και μανα και πατερας
σκεφτομαι πως οι θειες ειναι εκει, μανες πια
Δεν θα ξεχασω ποτε τα λογια της ανθουλας
"τωρα ειμαι εγω εδω για σας, ο,τι χρειατειτε, σε μενα"
Δεν εχασα λοιπον μια μανα
Κερδισα αλλη μια
κι αλλη μια
Κερδισα...
Σας αγαπω μανουλες
Σ'αγαπω Μαρουλα μου και μου λειπεις αφορητα
αλλα, σου υποσχομαι πως αν με αξιωσει ο Θεος να γινω μανα
θα προσπαθησω να ειμαι οσο καλη εισαι εσυ
Να μου ζησεις!
Να μου ζησετε!

my life is cut between Greek and English
so, I have to say what I just said above in English as well


Isn't it funny how the first words out of a child's mouth is mama
isn't it funny how we learn to call that one person first
ok, maybe papa or daddy too
but, it is not by accident
it's only because our whole life depends on these two people
it doesn't really matter if you are a few days or decades old
mama is still mama
and daddy is still daddy
they are the people you bitch to when work is not going right or when that sun of a gun for professor you have gave you a C when you really deserved an A!
they are the people who will give you new windows for a birthday present and make sure that you know that they are available to come to your house for Christmas because the kids have a right to be at their house opening presents!
they are the people who will take money out of their retirement to make sure that your life is not too difficult
those are parents!
yet, mama is special
I have lost mine
the pain and the grief make talking about mammas so much harder
my father is now both mom and dad
my aunts are now moms to me
I will never forget anthoula's words when I walked in the door from the airport to find out that my mama was no longer with us
"I am here for you now, whatever you want you come to me, to me, for whatever you want"
my God, these memories will never go away, never stop bringing tears in my eyes
never!
but, I am lucky
I haven't lost a mom, I gain one
and another
So, Happy mother's day mammas
I am proud of you and I love you
I hope that when I become a mom I will be half as good as you were
Mama mou, I miss you terribly and I love you so much it aches!
Happy mother's day!

disappointed

how much disrespect can we show to science and to the people that represent it
it seems that many of us are simply wrapped up in their own little world
so much that we cannot understand each other, respect callings and show genuine interest for knowledge itself
it is even sadder when this type of attitude comes from people who claim they want to be part of the learning community
how sad that is I cannot begin to tell you
obviously the teacher and the observer will put you down many times
but at the end it is your knowledge and your belief that counts
never forget that!

μια κουραση ψυχικη

η ζωη παιζει παραξενα παιχνιδια
τους δυο τελευταιους μηνες ολο και με χαστουκιζει
κανει ολο και πιο δυσκολη την καθημερινοτητα
αυτος ο χρονος δε μ'αρεσει και τοσο
κουραστηκα
δεν ειναι πως οι δυσκολιες ειναι αξεπεραστες
ειναι που οι αντοχες μου εχουν μειωθει
ειναι που νιωθω πως οι ασπρες μερες εχουν γινει λιγακι γκριζες
κουραστηκα
πού να'σαι καλοκαιρι μου, πού;
κουραστηκα με τις αναποδιες
κουραστηκα να γκρινιαζω
κουραστηκα να σε κουραζω και να σε βλεπω να παλευεις κι εσυ μαζι μου
ενα διαλειμμα μονο ζηταω
μια φορα να κυλησει η ζωη οπως τη θελω
ποση απελπισια
ελα, ελα ηλιε μου να μου ζεστανεις τη ψυχη
ελα...

In solidarity of the international workers' day and of the undocumented workers

Πρωτομαγια σημερα
σε τουτη τη χωρα αρνουνται να δουν την αξια του εργατη
αρνουνται να εκτιμησουν πως οι καλοανθρεμμες οικογενειες τους εχουν ροζ μαγουλα γιατι καποιοι αλλοι ξημερωνονται στα χωραφια και στα εργοστασια, στα εστιατορια και στα πισω δωματια των καταστηματων που σερβιρουν τον καπιταλισμο ως κυριο πιατο
Κι ομως σημερα, ολοι αυτοι οι παρανομοι μεταναστες οργανωθηκαν και θα απεχουν
Τι συμβολικο
Τι γενναιο
Χαρουμενη Εργατικη Πρωτομαγια!

Today is the international workers' day. MAY Day!
How sad it is for this country not to recognize and celebrate it
Disregarding this day is throwing away a part of U.S. history
How sad that is for this country which values hard work
only this is conditional
the country values hard work only from a chunk of the population disregarding that it wouldn't really function without those undocumented workers it is now trying to kick out
So, I stand in solidarity of all the workers! Even the undocumented!