fear and joy

I 'm going to Cyprus in a week
First time I will be there since March
First time I will walk in the house I grew up without her waiting for me
When I went there back in March, I was so confused I didn't really know what to expect
Now I know for a fact that she will not be waiting for me
She has been visiting my dreams every single night for the past week and a half
I see her every night and I wake up with a sense of loss
everytime she is either sick or dying and I am trying to make it there on time
but I am always late
I thought I had accepted this horrible misfortune
I thought I was over it
I thought wrong
you know, sometimes when I call home, I still expect to pick up the phone
and today, today she would have been the first to call me to wish me happy name day
instead, the phone is silent
no ringing yet
I know everybody will call
I know she is wishing all the best from where she is
I am so afraid to go home
I am afraid that I will not be strong; that I will break down
I am so afraid that I will not know what to do with myself in the house
I still think that she will be there waiting for me
I miss her terribly and I don't even know how to express it
I sometimes think that all this was just a terrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from very soon
I miss you mom so much it hurts!
I know that if you were here with me you would be very frustrated that I keep saying the same thing over and over again
you would say, I know you miss me! enough! we will not be repeating ourselves over and over again! it loses its meaning if you keep doing that!
I know that's what you would say, and you are right!
for it is with our hearts we love, not with our words
it is with our actions, our brave action we enact love, not with fear