Thursday, December 20, 2007

Christmas time





Christmas time has always been my favorite time of the winter...
This Christmas is even more important because we now have a home, a dog, each other...
It has been a festive time. It's been fun and it continues to be fun.
I am overjoyed that you are with me, that you love me, and that you are doing your best to make life more fun....
I haven't written to you in a while.
But, I have been thinking about you a lot!
It doesn't matter that you are with me every day.
I still feel that I need to communicate with you this way.
I love you. I love that we have built a life together and that we are still having fun!
I love that in our own, private, way we are still on our honeymoon....and I love the fact that it is a way that no one else gets!
I love that you are not perfect, for you are perfect for me!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Τα γενέθλιά σου

Ακόμα μια χρονιά στην απουσία...Θα τ'ομολογήσω....μου λείπεις τρομερά, αλλά έχω συνηθίσει...
Η ζωή συνεχίζεται, η ρουτίνα γίνεται πιο απαιτητική κι εγώ προσπαθώ να επιπλεύσω!
Εχώ συνηθίσει πια να σε σκέφτομαι αλλιώς. Νιώθω όλα τα πράματα που θα μού 'λεγες. Νιώθω τις απαντήσεις σου και τις επιλογές σου. Ξέρεις, νομίζω πως εγώ σου μοιάζω πιο πολύ απ'όλους.
Χρόνια σου πολλά αγαπημένη μου...φέτος θα γινόσουν εξήντα οχτώ.
Να ζήσεις, να περνάς όμορφα εκεί με τους αγγέλους και μη μας ξεχνάς!
Σ'αγαπώ πολύ!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Bart, the start of a family...



Bryan and I have been wanting a dog for a while. We finally found one that fits, as far as we know, we our lifestyle and work hours. His name is Bart. The name is kind of funny because of Bryan's obsession with the Simpsons....

Bart seems to be a very good dog. Of course it's only been twenty four hours since we got him, and it is the weekend. The week will tell if he will be a good fit for us.

What worries me, however, is that Bryan's allergies have been acting up since we got Bart. I don't know what we would do if we cannot keep Bart because of Bryan's allergies. By no means am I blaming Bryan, but it will be difficult to take him back even after such a short time. I think that we have bonded with him, both of us. It seems that now we have some other creature to think about other than each other, and we have been good at that. So, caring about Bart and then having to let him go will be tough.

Having a dog is such a huge responsibility. It means that you need to be consistent, caring, and psychic! This last part is what creates a little stress for me. Not knowing what Bart wants or needs makes me feel somewhat anxious. I know that at some point I will know what Bart wants and needs, but right now it is a guessing game. I see myself being a little bit taken in by his cuteness, although I am trying hard to make him do what I want him to do, not the other way around. For instance, this morning when I took him out for his walk I made him sit at every corner right before we crossed the street. At some corners it took us about a minute to do that. At some others he sat right away. So, I guess training is important for his own good and our own mental sanity. He sits and waits for his food. We started to work on "come" and "lay down." We have a long way ahead of us.

Having Bart makes me think about people who beat their dogs or abuse them in other ways. I cannot imagine why you would hurt a dog particularly when all it wants is a bit of consistency and love. Dogs don't learn by beating them up. It only makes them more aggravated. I know people who do beat up their dogs. I don't know what to say. I guess it is the same thing with kids. Hurting them will not necessarily teach them anything, although some times it relieves the parent of anxiety and fear (which is not right, but is true).

Monday, October 01, 2007

It's been a month already!

How fast life goes by! Exactly one month ago, at this very minute I was on my way to the church to get married. I haven't really reflected on my wedding day. I can say for sure that it was the happiest day of my life! I had a lot of fun, but then again, I always have fun with Bryan.
I never thought, however, that I would be that much nervous. I slept only three hours the night before the wedding. I was ready for my hair appointment half hour before I had to be there. I was dresses and ready for pictures about twenty minutes before my family arrived at our house! Maybe this is what it means to be ready for marriage! That day flew by like an F-16! I felt its presence, I was happy to be part of it, but it was over in a glance! You spent an entire year preparing for this day and all of a sudden is gone. We only have a sweet after taste and lots of pictures to remind us of it!
Now I feel like something in my suddenly matured. I am a married woman. It's like a feeling I cannot describe. In many ways nothing is changed from the previous two years. Now I have jewelry to prove that I 'm married. Now I have a very long last name! And a husband! But, there is this feeling of maturity. The feeling of family I always yearned for. A sense of security that's comforting.
I now have to switch modes. It's time to go back to work. The transition is difficult, I know that. But, it's something that needs to be done! At least, I come home to the love of my life! And one day I will tell you what that means.

Friday, September 14, 2007

"αυτο το μαζι σου παει"

Παντρεύτηκα. Αύριο κλείνουν δυο βδομάδες!
Μου φαίνεται παράξενο που αυτή η μέρα ήρθε κι έφυγε...τόση προετοιμασία...τέλος!
Μα βέβαια, η ζωή μου ως σύζυγος μόλις άρχισε, ως σύντροφος συνεχίζεται!
Είμαι ευτυχισμένη και οι λέξεις δεν χωράνε τούτο το συναίσθημα!
Μάζι, μια συντροφικότητα που μεγαλώνει μέρα με τη μέρα.
Αμαλία μου, δίκιο έχεις, "αυτό το μαζι" το νιώθω να μου "πάει."
Μαζί με κάτι ήλιους να μας φωτίζουν τη ζωή όταν έχει συννεφιά...
Μαρούλα μου, σέυχαριστώ που ήσουνα δίπλα μου.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

ταξιδέυω για Κύπρο
νιώθω περίεργα, αλλά καλά περίεργα
είναι λες και κάνω ένα ταξίδι χωρίς γυρισμό με μαγευτικό προορισμό
δεν ξέρω πώς αλλιώς να ζωγραφίσω τούτη την εικόνα
παρά μ'ένα κίτρινο ήλιο

Monday, August 06, 2007

and the journey begins...

tomorrow my journey begins...I 'm going to Cyprus to finalize wedding plans.
going to meet the rest of my life!
it feels funny in a good way. it feels right. it's exciting and scary and everything important decisions are supposed to be!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

three years of hard work

Three years of hard work have come to an end.
Finally my master's thesis in now handed in, OFF MY SHOULDERS!
I can't quite realized it yet. In a few days when I will think about the work I have to do on my thesis and realize that there is none, that's when I will know.
It has been a valuable experience. It tested me in more than one ways.
My emotional strength for one. I know have more than I ever thought.
I could have never do it on my own of course. The one person who really helped my plow through this is process is my fiance...I love you.
But, then, my friend Ruth helped me a lot since she knows how grad school works.
I have a Master of Arts degree! Who would have thought!
I sometimes look at my work and think that there is no way that I am the writer of this scientific text in a language other than my native!
I am proud of myself and it is not often that I say this!
Mom, I wish you were here to celebrate with me.
Dad, thanks for the vote of confidence when I needed the most.

Friday, July 20, 2007

φοβάμαι....είναι φυσιολογικό?
σήμερα παντρεύομαι για πρώτη φορά...αυτός ο γάμος θα είναι μικρός, διαδικαστικός...
κανείς από όλους εσας δε θα σταθεί δίπλα μου
όλοι θα περιμένουν τη πρωτη μέρα του φθινωπορινού μήνα
αλλά σήμερα...κανείς
είμαι χαρούμενη αλλά και μελαγχολική
είμαι πλαισιωμένη απ' ανθρώπους όμορφους, δυναμικούς
κι όμως σήμερα θα μου λείψουν οι συγγενείς....
κάτι έχει αυτός ο ιούλης
ένα αεράκι δημιουργίας απαλύνει την κάψα του ήλιου στα πρόσωπά μας...
μου λείπετε πολύ...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

wedding frustrations

What makes people think that they can dictate what you can and can't do?
Yesterday I told my aunts that I would like to skip the custom of kissing the stefana right after the ceremony. One of them reacted badly to this announcement. She actually said that it is out of the question! I love her dearly, but what makes her think that she has any say in this?

One of the reasons she mentioned was the absence of my mom. She actually said "don't even think about it, especially since the most important person will not be there." Which is precisely the second most important reason for not wanting to do this. What exactly makes her believe that she or anyone else can replace or stand in the shoes of my mom and her blessing?

But, the most important reason is one that everyone fails to understand. The fact that I am marrying a person who is of different background and culture, a person who has not put any requests or objections forward, a person who is willing not to have all of his family and friends at this wedding just so that I do! And the argument that they put forward is that you come to Cyprus, you are making a Cypriot wedding. In other words, I should not divert from anything they are used to seeing.

My family has expectations about this wedding. They cannot consider that my situation is a little different. Just because I chose to get married in Cyprus it does not mean that my partner's culture will be left out. Their idea of difference is all about decoration and how much money will be spent. I am stuck in the middle. And part of the problem is that I don't know what I want. Do I want to make them happy without considering that I should incorporate some of the culture that I embraced? Or do I think about what I would like to do, what I like about weddings and skip everything that I don't. In terms of the kissing of the stefana....I don't know. I actually don't know where to stop. Bryan will only have his parents. It is very inconsiderate of I to put him through I don' even know how many sets of aunts and uncles....I don't like this custom. I don't. From now on, I think that I will not say the real reasons why I don't want to do some things. I will just say that I simply don't like it!

Who would have thought that my father would be the most easy to work with.....

Monday, May 28, 2007

αρχή και τέλος μαζί...

βήμα πρώτο: εκτελέστηκε.
βήμα δεύτερο: υπό εκτέλεση

Τέλειωσα τις εξετάσεις μου. Ελπίζω να έχω περάσει. Ελπίζω το βήμα δεύτερο να μην είναι η κατασκευή σχεδίου Β.

Πάω Κύπρο την Τετάρτη. Δεν το έχω σκεφτεί καθόλου...το μόνο που ξέρω είναι ότι θα βοηθήσω τη Γιάννα σε ό,τι χρειαστεί. Θα δώσω και τις προσκλήσεις για το γάμο μου....

Δεν έχω σκεφτεί καθόλου ότι θα είμαι για πολυ καιρό στο σπίτι χωρίς τη μαμά. Αχ, Μαρούλα μου, με ποιον θα πίνω τον καφέ μου τώρα εγω; Δεν κλαίω, χαμογελώ... Χαμογελώ γιατί η απουσία σου μου είναι πιο αισθητή τώρα που έχω ξεφύγει από το λήθαργο της απόγνωσης και της κατάθλιψης.

Για αρκετούς μήνες έπλεα σε μία ενδιάμεση κατάσταση. Όχι ακριβώς ζωντανή αλλά ούτε και νεκρή. Απλά ανέκφραστη τον περισσότερο χρόνο...ανίκανη να νιώσω τη ζωή...χωρίς χαμόγελο.

Τώρα, χαμογελώ. Νιώθω. Είμαι ευτυχισμένη. Είμαι λιγάκι τρομαγμένη, λιγάκι φοβισμένη, μα κρατώ το κεφάλι ψηλά και στέκομαι περήφανη για την επιλογή που έχω κάνει. Σε σκέφτομαι και χαμογελώ. Μου λείπεις τρομερά. Αλλά σκέφτομαι πως όπου και να βρίσκεσαι, όποια μορφή και να έχεις, είσαι πάντα δίπλα μου!

Τέλειωσε λοιπόν η κατάθλιψη. Άρχισε η ζωή. Αυτό το μήνα θα σταθώ δίπλα στην αδερφή μου -έτσι νιώθω- για να είμαι μάρτυρας στην απόφαση που πήρε . Είμαι πολυ περήφανη γι'αυτό.

Αυτό το μήνα θα έρθει ο Bryan στην Κύπρο. Το σπίτι θα είναι γεμάτο με τους άντρες που αγαπώ περισσότερο κι απ'τη ζωή μου.

Αρχή μιας καινούριας ιστορίας. Τέλος μιας παλιάς...η ζωη μου τελός κι αρχή...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Cancer.....

I am listening to the Morning Edition on National Public Radio right now, as I do every morning. There was a story just a few minutes ago about a breast cancer risk calculator. Needless to say, I took the test. Of course I lied on the test because it is a tool for women above 35. I am not quite there yet, but I will be soon enough and I want to know what my chances are!

It seems that my chances of developing cancer by the time I am 40 are about 1%. This percentage is about 0.7% higher than the average woman. The test only asked me about first degree relatives who have had cancer. I answered 1. Now here's where it gets scary but funny. I have about 25% chances of developing breast cancer by the time I am 90! So it's scary! 25% is a large percentage. But, on the other hand, the latter part of the sentence is quite funny: 90! If my soon to be husband doesn't kill me till then I will live to be 90! 90....I think about it and my thought is, if I live to be 90 I will be lucky.

My mom was 66 when she died. Only her mother had breast cancer as far as we know. She had her first child when she was 28, about my age. As far as I know she breast fed. She never really worked out, but ate relatively healthy. Never smoked. Yet, she developed cancer when she was 53, was in remission for about five or six years, and then went out of remission when she was 60. She lived with cancer for about six years. In 2004 she started to decline. When she came to visit, it was as if she was a different person. She could not walk very far or quickly, she was not keen to try exotic or out of the ordinary dishes. She started to be a little quieter, more withdrawn. Still, she made it through two years of breast cancer. Only in the last year, after she started chemotherapy for the very first time (!!!!) , one could see just how ill she was. She lost even more weight, she was depressed and even more withdrawn... Her spirit was shattered. That was the greatest defeat for her. Actually, she decide to depart only nine months after her first experience with chemo.

This is the first time I am reflecting on breast cancer and my mom's journey. Mom let breast cancer take her spirit away. She saw it as a fault, a disadvantage which she never admitted to anyone. She never talked much about it. She did not feel the need to express her fears. She never wanted anyone to know that she duelled on it. I think that my dad was the only recipient of her inner thoughts. I think that she was afraid. I think she did not know how to handle herself and her fears...after all, she was the rock of the family. I think she grind her teeth too. I am not angry with her. I try not be judgemental, but it is rather difficult. I wish she could be a little more brave. I wish she showed the same courage she showed when she was 16 carrying bombs and revolution brochures in her schoolbag. But, as she said to me many time, that's how she was and I should be different. Come to think about it, she always encouraged me to be different than her on these issues.

I hear you mom, and now I understand what you were trying to tell me!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Πάσχα

Πάσχα και η αυλή βάζει τα γιορτινά της...οι φλαούνες...οι παστούδες (εκνευρίστικα όταν ανακάλυψα ότι δεν έχω τη συνταγή...)
Πάσχα...μου αρέσει το το Πάσχα...μέχρι τώρα δεν είχα συνειδητοποιήσει πόσο μέγαλο μέρος του είναι μου είναι αυτές οι γιορτές της Ορθοδοξίας!
Σήμερα ο Χριστός σταυρώνεται. Πάντα μου φέρνει δάκρυα στα μάτια αυτή η λειτουργία.
Θα πάμε εκκλησία μαζί με τον Bryan....
Σίγουρα δεν είναι το ίδιο αίσθημα του Πάσχα στην Κύπρο, όμως είναι μια άλλη εκδοχή οικογενειακής ζωής! Μιας πολυ μικρής οικογένειας, αλλά από κάπου πρέπει ν'αρχίσουμε κι εμείς!
Καλό Πάσχα σε όλους! Καλή Ανάσταση! Μου λείπετε όλοι τρομερά!
Σας έχω όμως στην καρδιά μου, άρα και δίπλα μου!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

γυναίκα προς γυναίκα

Πέρυσι τέτοια ώρα έμαθα πως δε θα ξανάκουγα τη φωνή σου,
πως δε θα ξαναπίναμε τον καφε μας μαζί το πρωί,
πως δε θα σε ξαναπείραζα για τις ισπανόφωνες, μεταγλωτισμένες σειρές που σ' άρεσε να παρακολουθείς...
πως δε θα μπορούσα πια να σε ρωτήσω εσύ τι έκανες όταν παντρεύτηκες
ή πως φτιάχνεις φακές...
πως δεν πρόλαβα να σου πω αντίο, να σε φιλήσω και να το νιώσεις,
να σου πω πόσο τυχερή είμαι που τελικά γίναμε φίλες
και πως δεν είμαι και τόσο διαφορετική απο σένα...
Μου πήρε ένα ολόκληρο χρόνο να συνειδητοποιήσω πως δε λείπεις σε ταξίδι,
πως δε θα γυρίσεις πια...
Μου φαίνεται απίστευτο πως δεν είσαι εδώ! Ακόμα και τώρα, πίσω πίσω στο μυαλό μου υπάρχει μια φωνούλα που λέει "μπα, αποκλείεται να μη την ξαναδεις, θα γυρίσει..."
Ξέρω, με επισκέπτεσαι συχνά...έρχεσαι στα όνειρα μου να μου πεις την καλησπέρα σου και φύγεις...ας είναι...
Ήθελα να σου πω πως λυπάμαι που δεν γνώρισες την πεθερά μου,
θα τη συμπαθούσες...μοιάζετε λίγο
Ήθελα να σου πω πως είμαι καλά και να μην ανησυχεις.
Και τέλος, ήθελα να σου Χρόνια Πολλά!
Είναι η μέρα της γυναίκας σήμερα. Καλά, καλά ξέρω! Εσύ δε γιορτάζεις σήμερα!
Δε μπορούσα ν'αντισταθώ! Πάντα σε πείραζα τέτοια μέρα!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

ένα χρόνο αργότερα

Τι να πω...πολλές εκπλήξεις η ζωή...
μια τετοια μου φύλαγε ο εαυτός μου,
μια τέτοια...
Αναρωτιέμαι τι άλλο θα ανακαλύψω για μένα. Από τότε που έχασα τη μάνα μου, φοβάμαι να κατακτήσω τη ζωή. Φοβάμαι ότι δεν μπορώ να τα καταφέρω. 'Εχω ξεχάσει ποια είμαι. Ταξίδεψα τόσο μακριά για να αποδείξω στον εαυτό μου πως μπορώ να είμαι μακριά απ'την "αυλή." Εκείνη την αυλή γεμάτη με χαμόγελα, δάκρια, φωνές, γιασεμιά και φούλια... Ανακάλυψα στο ταξίδι μου πως μπορώ να μείνω μακριά τους. Μερικές φορές νιώθω λίγη μοναξιά... λίγο που το σπίτι μου φαίνεται πιο μεγάλο όταν δεν είσαι 'δω... λίγο που ακόμα συνηθίζω στην ιδέα πως "πάω δίπλα για καφέ" είναι μια φράση αποκλείστικα χρησιμοποιούμενη στη Λιπέρτη! Είναι λίγο που ψιλοφοβάμαι τον "έγγαμο βίο." Και είναι που εδώ κι ένα χρόνο οι ερωτήσεις μου έχουν μείνει αναπάντητες!
Σ'αγαπώ, ζωή μου...σ'αγαπώ...
Αγαπώ το χαμόγελο σου και το χιούμορ σου.
Αγαπώ την επιθυμία σου να βοηθήσεις τον κόσμο να ζήσει μια καλύτερη ζωή.
Αγαπώ τη φιλοδοξία σου...με φοβίζει η φιλοδοξία σου...μ'αναγκάζει να είμαι ανεξάρτητη και αύτοφωτη! Αλλά, έτσι δεν ήμουν πάντα; Έτσι ήμουν....επέλεγα να είμαι μ' ανθρώπους...επιλέγω να είμαι μαζί σου!
Η μάνα μου πάντα ήταν βράχος. Πάντα στήριζε τον άντρα της. Πάντα έμενε λίγο πίσω κι απολάμβανε το θέαμα και το "ευχαριστώ" του άντρα της!
Έμαθε από νωρίς να μας φροντίζει χωρίς να εξαρτάται από κανένα. Πάντα είχε τη γιαγιά (τη γιαγιά που ήρθε στ'όνειρό μου χθες βράδυ να μου πει καλησπέρα!). Αλλά ήτανε πάντα αυτόφωτη κι ανεξάρτητη, γι'αυτό της ήταν τόσο δύσκολο όταν δεν μπορούσε να φροντίζει τον εαυτό της.
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα μου λείπει όσο ποτέ. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα, η ζωή συνεχίζεται χώρις αυτήν. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα παλεύω να βρω τον εαυτό μου. Τον εαυτό που η μάνα μου διαμόρφωσε, αυτόν που την έκανε περήφανη, αυτόν που ο σύντροφος μου ερωτεύτηκε!
Αυτόν που πρέπει να εμπιστευτώ ξανά!
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα...το χρωστώ σε μένα, μα και σε σένα!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Καινούρια ενέργεια, ανανεωμένη πίστη...τελικά ποιος είπε ότι οι καβγάδες σε καλό δε βγαίνουν;

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Σήμερα είναι μια μέρα άδεια...άδεια από αίσθημα, από συναίσθημα, από χαμόγελο
Σήμερα είπα να θυμηθώ τη παλιά μου γλώσσα
Σήμερα είπα να γράψω σε μένα, σ'ένα παλιό εαυτό που άρχισα να ξαναβρίσκω,
έστω και με τη δυσκολία ενός πληκτρολογίου που σχεδόν ποτέ ελληνικά δε γράφει!
Θέλω να πω πολλά με μια φωναχτή σιωπή, κι αν μ'ακούσεις μη φοβηθείς, γλυκιά μου αγάπη
καλησπέρα!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

new beginnings

Another year, I hope that this one will be better than the last. Although, I should say that the two most important things in my life happened in 2006: I lost my mom on March 8th, and I got engaged to be married on September 2.
Yesterday I joined an online grief group. It is particularly comforting to hear from people that I don't know who can understand and relate to what I am going through without much explanation.
I found much comfort in the fact that I am not alone.
It is rather unfortunate and unfair for my fiance that the excitement of planning a wedding is overshadowed by the mourning and grief, the fear of loss, and the sadness of not having my mom at the wedding.
It is not fair that the emptiness that is prevalent at times spills into everything in my life. I must be one of the most fortunate people alive to have a partner who is willing to stand by me, and still want to marry me through this difficult time.
The pragmatist in me says enough already. The rest of me says, give yourself time and don't push it! Recognizing the problem is half the battle!