??????????????

These days have been a bit blue. All of a sudden, the 16 hours of the day I spend awake are not enough to do all the things I need to get d0ne. I go to work for about 9-10 hours per day. I then go home and I all I want to do is stare at the television....Where has my energy gone? My house has never been in the shape that it is now. My cooking has never been so dull. It seems that I don't have the courage or the time to do the things I like. I have productive and unproductive days at work...and somehow, I still have a job!
Lately I have been thinking that I lost a part of myself...Thinking back to my college years, I seem to remember two things: how much I liked politics, and how much I liked to write. And then, there was the going out and drinking coffee, none of which I do much these days.
What else was there? I still like to help people. I still smile (somewhat). I still believe in some things like God.
I still love. I now have a husband. A husband who does not speak my native tongue, who does not have very close family ties, who does not like to go out much, and who does not like the music I do. He loves politics. He is as smart as a person can be! He is as oblivious as a deer in headlights! He loves me a lot. Sometimes I wonder if he knows me? How can you know someone when you don't speak her language? How can you know someone when you don't ask many questions? I seem to have lost my greekness which goes hand-'n-hand with being a positive, joyful person. I seem to have lost an undefined part of me. You see, a few years ago I would be looking for love. I would be writing for love. I have love, but there seems to be another hole!
I love my husband! I do. A lot. My life would be incredibly boring and dark without him. I would probably be back to Cyprus if I hadn't met him. That is probably the only positive thing that would have come out of me not meeting, loving, and marrying him. The only one!
But, I do have to find a way to gain some of me back...the question is how do I define myself?
Who am I and what do I stand for? Those are questions I haven't answered in a while....
I love the fall, but it makes me blue....

new beginnings

I have completed 30 years of living last Friday.
All of a sudden I feel a bit more mature, a bit more composed.
Maybe now I am ready to take on a bit more...who knows...time will tell...

so many changes in so little time

Last night I found out that I became an aunt again...my best friend, my sister, had her son yesterday. This was the first time in our 17 years of friendship that I was not there during this great new beginning....it made me sad...

Tomorrow I am turning 30...I don't know how to feel about that.
I thought I would have children by now.
I don't.
I thought I would be done with school by now, I am not!
I thought my mom would still be alive.
She is not.

It's now a sad day...it's just one of those gray days...

I don't want things to change. I just want to be able to catch up!

family ties

what a different summer this has been....
it has been full of work, deck building, a trip to Peru, missing my family....
and baby talk.
My husband is much better at enjoying the moment, living in today and not expect tomorrow...
I am not...
I want strong family ties, the kind I have back home.
I want that before we have children.
I want to be able to call my sister-in-law and just chat. I can't do that with either of them.
I want to be able to go next to another family member's home. I can't do that either!
I would love it if my in-laws were really close to us. My husband, not so much.
I have to say that since I started work I can see the difficulty of raising a family without any help.
I can't blame those who choose to stay close to family to get some help. I wish I could do that too.
But, the reality is that there is no one here and that is incredibly scary!
I am particularly scared of the pressure that is going to put on my relationship with my husband. My in-laws love each other, but their relationship went through some rough times because they had to manage all by themselves. I don't want that for my relationship with my husband!
These thoughts have been in the back of my mind and I seem to have increased difficulty articulating them to my husband.
I hope you read this... I hope you understand and try to do something about this.....

when all you can think about is...

children, are you young at heart? or are you ready to become a parent?
all the sadness an illness brings...are you obsessed with bad things? or is it just the way life is?
the things you want to do, but can't, are unhappy or really anxious to live?
the choices you 've made and you get a warm feeling at heart and immediately after you miss your family, are you confused or merely human?
how much you love the chances you got in life and how you can make it better...are you grateful or selfish?
how much you don't want to work on your dissertation but you are too embarrassed to admit it, are you lazy, pretentious, or realistic?'
is all of these questions, are you too analytical?

σκεψεις ασυναρμολόγητες

I am cranky and annoyed.
I don't want to be here, but I don't know where I would like to be.
When I feel this way, I just want to run.
Too many memories, too many comparisons....
and you, who ever you are, you are not here
you have deserted me...
Σε ψαχνω, μα πού να σε βρω;
Μου λείπεις και δε ξέρω ποιος είσαι...

things have a way of falling into place

thank you...I have to say that....things do have a way of falling into place with the help of some divine or from up above power.
I know you look over us and I know that you help make things better for us. thank you.
my faith has never let me down which is why I choose it.
I am incredibly grateful, thank you.

οι παλιές αγάπες πάνε στον παράδεισσο/ our old passions go to heaven

Το πάθος μου είναι η ελληνική μουσική....
Στα νεανικά μου χρόνια άκουγα πολύ ελληνικό ροκ. Ο Παύλος Σιδηρόπουλος είναι ένας από τους πιο άξιους καλλιτέχνες του έντεχνου ελληνικού ροκ. Να ένα από τα αγαπημένα και πιο διάσημα τραγούδια του:

σου γράφω πάλι από ανάγκη η ώρα πέντε το πρωί.
το μόνο πράμα που 'χει μείνει όρθιο στον κόσμο είσαι συ
τι να τις κάνς τις τιμές τους, τα λόγια τα θεατρικά, μες την εικόνα του μυαλου μου
χάρτινα είδωλα νεκρά!
να μ'αγαπας, όσο μπορείς να μ'αγαπας
κοιτάζοντας μες τον καθρέφτη βλέπω ένα πρόσωπο γνωστό
κι ίσως η ασκήμια του να φύγει μόλις πλυθώ και ξυριστώ
βρώμαει η ανάσα απ'τα τσιγάρα, βαραίνει ο νους μου απ'τα πολλα
στον τοίχο κάποια Μόνα Λίζα σε φέρνει ακόμα πιο κοντά
αν και τελειώνει αυτό το γράμμα, η ανάγκη μου δε σταματά
σαν το πουλί πάνω στο κύμα, σαν τον αλήτη που γυρνά
θέλω να 'ρθείς και να μ'ανάψεις, το παραμύθι να μου πεις
σαν μανα γη να μ'αγκαλιάσεις, σαν άσπρο φως να ξαναρθείς....

My passion in my early twenties was greek rock music. Pavlos Sidiropoulos is one of the most significant artists of this genre of greek music.
The song above is called love me...
When I find the strength I will translate....all you need to know is that I smoked many packs of cigarettes and got drank many times listening to this song....

after everything is done, will you

flirt with me
flatter me
look at me
smile at me
hold my hand
kiss me
talk to me
hug me
fight for me
love me
be with me?

once upon a lonely time

In the last two years I have been afraid...afraid to let go, afraid to be alone...afraid of the silence, but also of unknown sounds. Ever since you left us, I have been afraid!
Once upon a long time ago, I was told that bad things will happen to me if I let them...and now there are only good things in my life...yet, I can only feel your absence. especially this month....I hate the month of March!
Two years later it still feels like it was yesterday and all I can remember in these times of loneliness is your words "only family matters, they are the only ones who will always love you and be there for you..." where are you now? where are you? why are you not here with me? why? and why, as time goes by, I feel your absence even more?
I have a husband who loves me (a lot). I have a father who is as healthy as he can be at age 68 and who does everything he can to support me in every imaginable way. I have a brother who has become my best friend and another brother who loves me in his own way. I have friends who will be there in case of emergency...I have a dog who no matter what time I come home he is always ecstatic to see me. I have two degrees and I am going for a third, even though I am searching for the motivation to finish. I see myself in the mirror and I see someone who is worth fighting for and respect....and I see a woman who is trying to be strong and happy.
yet, these days there is a sadness...a feeling of loneliness ...
mom, help me get through this month.
please....I embrace me sadness and recognize that it will go away....once my husband comes home, once I have his companionship again. I recognize that this my needyness will go away...I am not good at reaching out for help, but now I am...I am reaching out to people for some interaction, even though I came out with nothing....
Ok, my rant is done!

thoughts about race

Coming from a small, until recently very homogeneous country I have become a lot more sensitive to issues of race. I don't treat racial issues as jokes as I did ignorantly before I came to the States.

But, since I re-flamed my passion in politics, I found the opportunity to think about race in America. This morning the Round Table on WAMC asked the question "what can we do to improve racial relationships today?" My very simple answer to this question is "talk about it." Talk about race without fear. Acknowledge the racism of our economic system, which ironically is not dependent on color, but class and income. Our economic system perpetuates a cycle of injustice: the school funding which is dependent on property taxes. An underfunded school district is more likely to be of lower quality and not enable students to get into good colleges and get better, higher paid jobs. This, in turn, will lead to people who live in inner cities to be constrained to lower paying jobs because they did not get a good education! If this is not racism that is systemic, embedded in our institutions, well, I don't know what it is!

I am a white, middle-class woman, who has experienced sexism in my interpersonal relationships. Yet, I believe that my children will never experience the constraints that the children of black woman will. That infuriates me, and honestly, it should infuriate you!

So, if political strength does not come from words, where does it come from?

I very rarely venture into exploration of arguments in this venue. This is supposed to be my personal venting and exploration of soul venue. But, lately I have become increasingly passionate about a man who has inspired hundreds of thousands of people to dream about change, to desire a different kind of politics, to want to keep the faith and hope and fight to put him in the White House as the first ever African-American President.

I have just finished reading an editorial from the New York times by Alec MacGillis in which one can read about Barack Obama's oratory abilities. The story includes several criticisms from the Clinton and McCain campaigns which basically claim that there is no substance to Obama's words. A former Reagan and Bush senior speech writer claims that his speeches are not really as eloquent as people think they are (surprising?), but they are heard as such because of Obama's delivery style. The story also notes that his speeches include lines from famous and able speakers such as MLK and JFK, which in turn takes the originality away from them (the speeches) and gives ammunition to critics. The story ends with an assertion from Baylor University about Obama's eloquence: "Can that eloquence be maintained? No, it can't -- it's impossible."

Yet, there seems to be an embedded cynicism of the kind that the Obama movement is currently defying. All of these questions about the power of language are an attempt to keep people from desiring, from realizing that action starts with talk. The "talk Vs. action" duality seems arbitrary particularly when it comes from a campaign which has been primarily talk. Hilary and Bill Clinton are terrific campaigners but they seem to have met their equal. If Bill Clinton in 1992 did not as well on the stump, as well as in other things, would he have been elected president? Would he have given Hilary the opportunity to run for the highest office 16 years later? If political strength does not come from words where does it come from? How are people supposed to start thinking about choice between candidates if not by listening to them talk? Why is it such a "terrible" thing to concentrate on the inspirational and full of hope words of a person who rose up through adversities? Why is it so "bad for democracy or for the country" to realize that people like you and me cannot necessarily understand the details of policies, that we come to feel the effects of them over time (like the loss of jobs as a result of outsourcing), and that we can make decisions every four years?

I can understand the dangers of not knowing where a candidate stands. About half of this country is feeling the dangers and the frustrations of the last eight years. However, my experience and expertise (somewhat) say that the only way you can have policies or even politics is through words. If people are inspired by Obama they should be proud to shout it to the world because a little inspiration never hurt anyone. Quite the contrary! It brought about equal rights for everyone. Inspiration brought about the fall of a wall that divided the world in half. Inspiration brought about the creation of this country. So, if political strength does not come from words, where does it come from?

because I think, love, breath, and get mad

These days I seem to pump energy from a newly found source. I don't know what that source is or where it comes from, but I seem to be getting fuel from it. Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing. It's certainly something I needed.

I cannot stop thinking about different things. Politics, language, how much I want a baby, how much I love my husband, how I should stop treating the dog like a human being, the fact that I should get a job, the fact that my best friend is pregnant and I am not there, how much I want two of my closest friends to get married, the fact that I should lose weight and start working out again, that I am a PhD candidate! Oh, lord this is tiring!

Then I remember that I need to breath so I turn on the TV. It's time for some cheesy, bad, maybe brainless TV show. And all of a sudden I find hidden meanings that make me think a little more and that's when I get pissed off!

I get mad with the fact that I should be able to push pause in my head. That I should be able to stop thinking and judging, evaluating. Stop doing that and make love instead. I should stop thinking and have sex.
Thank God for Valentine's Day!

every night you visit me

Every night you visit me in my dreams. I like seeing you, I wake up and think you are still with me. The dreams are very vivid, they are almost real. I see you and touch you and wonder when I will hear your voice again. That's the only part of you I don't have. The silence is deafening in my dreams. I would really like to hear your voice again. Maybe you come to visit because you know I need you now. Maybe it's because you know that I need to have you close to me to give the courage and strength to keep fighting, endure, finish what I have started and not be put down. Accomplish my dreams which seen unrecognizable lately, not settle.

I think I 'm going through another wave of mourning. I really miss you mom. I really want you to be here and hold me and talk to me like we used to. As I write this I cry. I haven't done that in a while. Tears tend to be liberating, but today they feel burdening. I feel like I did a couple of years ago when I could not believe that you left us, that you were taken away from us. It is unbearable to think that the only way I can feel you and touch you is in my dreams. I don't think I will ever stop feeling this way.

I love you and I miss you like crazy!

The new year

So what will the new year bring?
Well, to start from my own family, lots of work for my husband and hopefully lots of achievements that will benefit many people.
A doctorate candidacy for me, hopefully, and a dissertation proposal.
A visit or two from Cyprus.
A honeymoon.
Lots of happiness and love, a happy everyday life.
To move on to those closest to me, this year will bring babies.
I hope that they are both healthy and happy.
A wedding or two, fun times.
Maybe a new job.
Maybe some relationships will take the next step towards partnership and a joint future.
All of us try hard to achieve our dreams, have a happy and fulfilling life, and along the way make a difference in the world regardless of how we do it.
This new year will bring changes for all of us.
I used to be terrified by change, but it seems that change has become synonymous to growth.