γυναίκα προς γυναίκα

Πέρυσι τέτοια ώρα έμαθα πως δε θα ξανάκουγα τη φωνή σου,
πως δε θα ξαναπίναμε τον καφε μας μαζί το πρωί,
πως δε θα σε ξαναπείραζα για τις ισπανόφωνες, μεταγλωτισμένες σειρές που σ' άρεσε να παρακολουθείς...
πως δε θα μπορούσα πια να σε ρωτήσω εσύ τι έκανες όταν παντρεύτηκες
ή πως φτιάχνεις φακές...
πως δεν πρόλαβα να σου πω αντίο, να σε φιλήσω και να το νιώσεις,
να σου πω πόσο τυχερή είμαι που τελικά γίναμε φίλες
και πως δεν είμαι και τόσο διαφορετική απο σένα...
Μου πήρε ένα ολόκληρο χρόνο να συνειδητοποιήσω πως δε λείπεις σε ταξίδι,
πως δε θα γυρίσεις πια...
Μου φαίνεται απίστευτο πως δεν είσαι εδώ! Ακόμα και τώρα, πίσω πίσω στο μυαλό μου υπάρχει μια φωνούλα που λέει "μπα, αποκλείεται να μη την ξαναδεις, θα γυρίσει..."
Ξέρω, με επισκέπτεσαι συχνά...έρχεσαι στα όνειρα μου να μου πεις την καλησπέρα σου και φύγεις...ας είναι...
Ήθελα να σου πω πως λυπάμαι που δεν γνώρισες την πεθερά μου,
θα τη συμπαθούσες...μοιάζετε λίγο
Ήθελα να σου πω πως είμαι καλά και να μην ανησυχεις.
Και τέλος, ήθελα να σου Χρόνια Πολλά!
Είναι η μέρα της γυναίκας σήμερα. Καλά, καλά ξέρω! Εσύ δε γιορτάζεις σήμερα!
Δε μπορούσα ν'αντισταθώ! Πάντα σε πείραζα τέτοια μέρα!

ένα χρόνο αργότερα

Τι να πω...πολλές εκπλήξεις η ζωή...
μια τετοια μου φύλαγε ο εαυτός μου,
μια τέτοια...
Αναρωτιέμαι τι άλλο θα ανακαλύψω για μένα. Από τότε που έχασα τη μάνα μου, φοβάμαι να κατακτήσω τη ζωή. Φοβάμαι ότι δεν μπορώ να τα καταφέρω. 'Εχω ξεχάσει ποια είμαι. Ταξίδεψα τόσο μακριά για να αποδείξω στον εαυτό μου πως μπορώ να είμαι μακριά απ'την "αυλή." Εκείνη την αυλή γεμάτη με χαμόγελα, δάκρια, φωνές, γιασεμιά και φούλια... Ανακάλυψα στο ταξίδι μου πως μπορώ να μείνω μακριά τους. Μερικές φορές νιώθω λίγη μοναξιά... λίγο που το σπίτι μου φαίνεται πιο μεγάλο όταν δεν είσαι 'δω... λίγο που ακόμα συνηθίζω στην ιδέα πως "πάω δίπλα για καφέ" είναι μια φράση αποκλείστικα χρησιμοποιούμενη στη Λιπέρτη! Είναι λίγο που ψιλοφοβάμαι τον "έγγαμο βίο." Και είναι που εδώ κι ένα χρόνο οι ερωτήσεις μου έχουν μείνει αναπάντητες!
Σ'αγαπώ, ζωή μου...σ'αγαπώ...
Αγαπώ το χαμόγελο σου και το χιούμορ σου.
Αγαπώ την επιθυμία σου να βοηθήσεις τον κόσμο να ζήσει μια καλύτερη ζωή.
Αγαπώ τη φιλοδοξία σου...με φοβίζει η φιλοδοξία σου...μ'αναγκάζει να είμαι ανεξάρτητη και αύτοφωτη! Αλλά, έτσι δεν ήμουν πάντα; Έτσι ήμουν....επέλεγα να είμαι μ' ανθρώπους...επιλέγω να είμαι μαζί σου!
Η μάνα μου πάντα ήταν βράχος. Πάντα στήριζε τον άντρα της. Πάντα έμενε λίγο πίσω κι απολάμβανε το θέαμα και το "ευχαριστώ" του άντρα της!
Έμαθε από νωρίς να μας φροντίζει χωρίς να εξαρτάται από κανένα. Πάντα είχε τη γιαγιά (τη γιαγιά που ήρθε στ'όνειρό μου χθες βράδυ να μου πει καλησπέρα!). Αλλά ήτανε πάντα αυτόφωτη κι ανεξάρτητη, γι'αυτό της ήταν τόσο δύσκολο όταν δεν μπορούσε να φροντίζει τον εαυτό της.
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα μου λείπει όσο ποτέ. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα, η ζωή συνεχίζεται χώρις αυτήν. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα παλεύω να βρω τον εαυτό μου. Τον εαυτό που η μάνα μου διαμόρφωσε, αυτόν που την έκανε περήφανη, αυτόν που ο σύντροφος μου ερωτεύτηκε!
Αυτόν που πρέπει να εμπιστευτώ ξανά!
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα...το χρωστώ σε μένα, μα και σε σένα!

Καινούρια ενέργεια, ανανεωμένη πίστη...τελικά ποιος είπε ότι οι καβγάδες σε καλό δε βγαίνουν;

Σήμερα είναι μια μέρα άδεια...άδεια από αίσθημα, από συναίσθημα, από χαμόγελο
Σήμερα είπα να θυμηθώ τη παλιά μου γλώσσα
Σήμερα είπα να γράψω σε μένα, σ'ένα παλιό εαυτό που άρχισα να ξαναβρίσκω,
έστω και με τη δυσκολία ενός πληκτρολογίου που σχεδόν ποτέ ελληνικά δε γράφει!
Θέλω να πω πολλά με μια φωναχτή σιωπή, κι αν μ'ακούσεις μη φοβηθείς, γλυκιά μου αγάπη
καλησπέρα!

new beginnings

Another year, I hope that this one will be better than the last. Although, I should say that the two most important things in my life happened in 2006: I lost my mom on March 8th, and I got engaged to be married on September 2.
Yesterday I joined an online grief group. It is particularly comforting to hear from people that I don't know who can understand and relate to what I am going through without much explanation.
I found much comfort in the fact that I am not alone.
It is rather unfortunate and unfair for my fiance that the excitement of planning a wedding is overshadowed by the mourning and grief, the fear of loss, and the sadness of not having my mom at the wedding.
It is not fair that the emptiness that is prevalent at times spills into everything in my life. I must be one of the most fortunate people alive to have a partner who is willing to stand by me, and still want to marry me through this difficult time.
The pragmatist in me says enough already. The rest of me says, give yourself time and don't push it! Recognizing the problem is half the battle!

Thoughts from Cyprus

I am back to Cyprus for a second time after my mom's passing.
Thank goodness, I have been busy with appointments for my wedding.
This time around my father and I were able to communicate, I guess in the absence of everyone else, we kinda have to find a way not to hurt each other.
The house seems empty at times. It was particularly empty when I was putting up Christmas decorations...
Yesterday I exercised my right to vote. After almost eight years I felt that being a citizen was something more than just informed or "into" things!
There are so much I want to say, so much I want to do here...Voting was just a small little thing that made me think about how easy it is here, how tough it is back there...
All the family here is going to be gathered and I am going to be back with my partner...choices, they are so difficult...

oh, and I am no longer hiding my identity, my fears, my disadvantages or my aspirations!

my mom's birthday

Today is the first time in my twenty eight years of life that I almost forgot my mom's birthday.
She passed away nine months ago.
Can you get over a loss in nine months?
Or is it that life comes at you fast that sometimes you forget important dates? Or is it that I wanted to block it from my memory so I wouldn't have to face the fact that she will not pick up the phone when I call home!
Either way, happy birthday mom!

realizations

It's amazing what being out in the wilderness can do to a person.
Lately I have been lacking the motivation to finish my thesis
All I have been wanting to do is watch bad television shows
Shows that allow me to escape to a different reality
One that is not mine
One that is fake
and as such, it cannot touch me
it cannot hurt me
it does not give me stress,
but it makes me cry and laugh
two very real behaviors that provide me with a false sense of living
And then, two miles and boat loads of sweating later I found myself on top of a mountain
I found myself living in a metaphor
"if I can climb this mountain I can finish my thesis"
I saw me climb the mountain
I felt the snow flakes on my face
I felt an extraordinary sense of accomplishment
the kind that I haven't had in a while
Two days later I am determined that this thesis will be done
I am determined that I will not fail
as much failings as I have had, personal and professional
this one will not be part them!
My reality is similar to other people's
yet, very different
as silly as it sounds the little things of our everyday life make it worth living
the difficulties or the long processes make us appreciate the promptness of other things
if anyone ever asks my what's it like writing a thesis
I will say that it's like a four mile long, moderate hike
at some parts it seems endless, but once you make it to the top
you have to come back to the parking lot and complete your journey!

something missing

something missing from my life
what that might be I don't know
motivation
courage
what might be there....
fear of completion
fear of failure
uneasyness about the absence of the safety net
uncertainty of the unknown

The racism of the bridal gown

Those who are a "plus size," as the fashion industry calls women who are outside of the "regular" sizes, have surely experienced uncomfortable feelings when trying on wedding gowns....
When you are looking for everyday attire there isn' t mush problem
There plenty of styles to go around these days. Things are much better than 5 or 10 years ago.
But, you know what has not changed?
The wedding industry!
Unless you are a size 4 0r 6 you cannot get a decent dress! Because wedding gowns run 2 to 3 sizes small. Say you are a 14, you need an 18 or a 20 size wedding gown! That is such a blow on self esteem!
I am one of the people who refuse to get sucked into the "thin ideal"
As long as I am healthy, eating right and working out, I am not going to go on a diet to be a size 8!
I am size 14! I would like it if I were a size 12 or 10, but I am not going to deprive myself of any culinary pleasures.
What is outrageously obvious is that the gown industry wants to make even more money via alterations and charging extra for a size bigger than 16! They simply want more money than the 2,000 or 3,000 dollars they charge for a good dress! Can you imagine? How racist!

everyday routines

I wake up in the moring, usually around 7am,
hop in the shower,
get dressed,
go downstairs in the kitchen to make coffee while continuing to listen to the NPR news which accompanies me in the shower as well.
He wakes up about half an hour after I do and follows the same ritual
His coffee is ready, with milk and sugar already in his mug
We both have cereal together and leave the house about the same time
And that's when our days start to differ
I go to my office and three times a week teach pretty much right away
After that, I am supposed to be either working on my project or read for my comps in January
Instead, I find myself completely addicted to searching on line for plane tickets, for wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, hotel reservations, wedding invitations, etc
I am completely unable to focus on my work if I am in front of a computer with Internet access.
Talk about self-discipline
I used to be able to wake up ealry enough to do my work and then play
now it's merely playing
I think that since I lost my mom I have realized that stressing about work is not worth it
But, I have reached the other side
I am fast becoming "lazy"
everyday routines?
I wish!

28 years of life

so many lessons
so many experiences
28 years of life
28 years of wisdom?
Last night I was reading the wedding planning book my soon to be mother-in-law sent us
so many responsibilities for the mother of the bride
tears running down my cheeks and a smile for her, 'cause she never really liked rituals that much
and today, today I am imagining to hear her voice, just like I did for the last 28 years
I 'm pretending that I got her card
I 'm actually telling her what presents I got and describe every little detail
I 'm keeping her as close as possible, for 27 and a half years are not easily forgotten
and for today, I know she would not want me to be sad
28, mom, 28
please look down and smile, just as you would if you were right here

communication

I am supposed to be good at it
As I teach my students, successful communication depends on the detection and repair of misunderstandings that may interfere with the creation of shared knowledge.
I cannot get across to my father.
Stuck in a totally different place, stuck in a situation which sacks because he is alone and just know he learns how to function alone,
I am stuck in between waiting for him to decide what he wants for me so that I move on with planning a wedding.
I 'm stuck
Stuck, stuck, stuck
I wish that things were different
I wish that he wasn't alone
I wish I had my mom to go wedding gown shopping with!
I wish
But in this I believe, the ability of social beings to detect and repair misunderstandings
I believe in communication
as hard as it may be now

Decisions that have changed my life

Five years ago amidst a blur from a different cigarette I decided I wanted to do a Masters degree
The university I wanted to go to had to had in it's name the name New York.
I indeed arrived on August 5, 2003
I met this hippieish girl, a little weird but with a great willingness to help me out.
We became friends
A year later, after having been to Cyprus for the entire summer, taking a spontaneous trip to London for three days, letting go of the man I thought I was crazy in love with, and deciding that I want to be with no one, just myself, my degree, and my thoughts, I came back to meet the most wonderful, thoughtful, kind, charming and handsome man I ever met.
Three years later I still believe all these things about him
Three years later I love him more than I ever did, and I have fallen in love with him AGAIN!
Three years later, a simple four later question, and simple one word answer have changed both of our lives.
"Will you marry me?" "Yes"
lots of tears and two smiles that cannot be erased
On the day of the my mom's six month memorial
I don't think I can ever be able to give her a better memorial!
I love you honey, thanks....

three years

it has been three years
three years of fun, tears, companionship, passion,
of love
you don't know this, but I still get anxious when it's about the time you come home
maybe three years is a long time, or maybe it isn't
you have made my life more interesting and more fun
you have become my best friend
you have made me have feelings I never thought I could feel
the reflection of me in your eyes is such a huge boost to become a little better everyday
i love you, but then again you know that
i don't have much to wish for us
just to keep our faith in each other
happy three years!

επιβιωσαμε κι αυτο

ρενουλι...καταλαβες οτι επιβιωσαμε κι αυτη τη δοκιμασια;
τι περιεργο το καλοκαιρι αυτο...
με ενα παραπονο στα χειλη ημαστε ολοι
γιατι να μην ειναι η μαμα εδω;
γιατι το ξενοδοχειο να ειναι λερωμενο;
γιατι να μη με γνωριζουν αυτοι που αγαπω;
μ'ενα παραπονο κι ενα γιατι οδηγο περασαμε τον αυγουστο μας
πηγαμε... σε κακο παντως δε μας βγηκε, ετσι ξαδερφη;
και τωρα...τωρα μενω να αναρωτιεμαι τι εχει συμβει, ποτε και γιατι (να το παλι αυτο το γιατι, με κατατρεχει)
τι ωρα ειναι δε θα ρωτησω κι αν θα σε χασω δεν θα μιλησω, αυτη την ωρα θελω να κλεψω και στων ματιων σου το εργο να παιξω
στο ταξιδι μου αγορασα ενα δισκο των Πυξ Λαξ με τιτλο ΤΟ ΤΕΛΟΣ
να 'ναι συμβολικο αραγε μιας καινουριας αρχης;

"you can never go home" that's what you said first time I returned to my parents home
questions now rise
doubts that creep up from dark, scary places
in the dim corridors of my thoughts I find nothing
sometimes the emptiness is frightening
sometimes the fullness is smothering
I long for you touch
I ache for your kiss
I miss the companionship
how funny...
life chooses us sometimes, not the other way around

painfully obvious

it's painfully obvious that dad doesn't know how to handle us
it's painfully obvious that mom is not here
it's painfully obvious that you are not here with me, holding my hand as you always do
it's painfully obvious that things are not the same
it's painfully obvious that I 'm the woman of the house and I don't like it!
it's painfully obvious that I am left to deal with the changes in life as a grown up!
I don't know whether realizing all these is good or bad
I only know that I am lucky enough to have a partner who's always going to help me through thick and thin!
That's just joyfully obvious!

fear and joy

I 'm going to Cyprus in a week
First time I will be there since March
First time I will walk in the house I grew up without her waiting for me
When I went there back in March, I was so confused I didn't really know what to expect
Now I know for a fact that she will not be waiting for me
She has been visiting my dreams every single night for the past week and a half
I see her every night and I wake up with a sense of loss
everytime she is either sick or dying and I am trying to make it there on time
but I am always late
I thought I had accepted this horrible misfortune
I thought I was over it
I thought wrong
you know, sometimes when I call home, I still expect to pick up the phone
and today, today she would have been the first to call me to wish me happy name day
instead, the phone is silent
no ringing yet
I know everybody will call
I know she is wishing all the best from where she is
I am so afraid to go home
I am afraid that I will not be strong; that I will break down
I am so afraid that I will not know what to do with myself in the house
I still think that she will be there waiting for me
I miss her terribly and I don't even know how to express it
I sometimes think that all this was just a terrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from very soon
I miss you mom so much it hurts!
I know that if you were here with me you would be very frustrated that I keep saying the same thing over and over again
you would say, I know you miss me! enough! we will not be repeating ourselves over and over again! it loses its meaning if you keep doing that!
I know that's what you would say, and you are right!
for it is with our hearts we love, not with our words
it is with our actions, our brave action we enact love, not with fear