wedding frustrations

What makes people think that they can dictate what you can and can't do?
Yesterday I told my aunts that I would like to skip the custom of kissing the stefana right after the ceremony. One of them reacted badly to this announcement. She actually said that it is out of the question! I love her dearly, but what makes her think that she has any say in this?

One of the reasons she mentioned was the absence of my mom. She actually said "don't even think about it, especially since the most important person will not be there." Which is precisely the second most important reason for not wanting to do this. What exactly makes her believe that she or anyone else can replace or stand in the shoes of my mom and her blessing?

But, the most important reason is one that everyone fails to understand. The fact that I am marrying a person who is of different background and culture, a person who has not put any requests or objections forward, a person who is willing not to have all of his family and friends at this wedding just so that I do! And the argument that they put forward is that you come to Cyprus, you are making a Cypriot wedding. In other words, I should not divert from anything they are used to seeing.

My family has expectations about this wedding. They cannot consider that my situation is a little different. Just because I chose to get married in Cyprus it does not mean that my partner's culture will be left out. Their idea of difference is all about decoration and how much money will be spent. I am stuck in the middle. And part of the problem is that I don't know what I want. Do I want to make them happy without considering that I should incorporate some of the culture that I embraced? Or do I think about what I would like to do, what I like about weddings and skip everything that I don't. In terms of the kissing of the stefana....I don't know. I actually don't know where to stop. Bryan will only have his parents. It is very inconsiderate of I to put him through I don' even know how many sets of aunts and uncles....I don't like this custom. I don't. From now on, I think that I will not say the real reasons why I don't want to do some things. I will just say that I simply don't like it!

Who would have thought that my father would be the most easy to work with.....

αρχή και τέλος μαζί...

βήμα πρώτο: εκτελέστηκε.
βήμα δεύτερο: υπό εκτέλεση

Τέλειωσα τις εξετάσεις μου. Ελπίζω να έχω περάσει. Ελπίζω το βήμα δεύτερο να μην είναι η κατασκευή σχεδίου Β.

Πάω Κύπρο την Τετάρτη. Δεν το έχω σκεφτεί καθόλου...το μόνο που ξέρω είναι ότι θα βοηθήσω τη Γιάννα σε ό,τι χρειαστεί. Θα δώσω και τις προσκλήσεις για το γάμο μου....

Δεν έχω σκεφτεί καθόλου ότι θα είμαι για πολυ καιρό στο σπίτι χωρίς τη μαμά. Αχ, Μαρούλα μου, με ποιον θα πίνω τον καφέ μου τώρα εγω; Δεν κλαίω, χαμογελώ... Χαμογελώ γιατί η απουσία σου μου είναι πιο αισθητή τώρα που έχω ξεφύγει από το λήθαργο της απόγνωσης και της κατάθλιψης.

Για αρκετούς μήνες έπλεα σε μία ενδιάμεση κατάσταση. Όχι ακριβώς ζωντανή αλλά ούτε και νεκρή. Απλά ανέκφραστη τον περισσότερο χρόνο...ανίκανη να νιώσω τη ζωή...χωρίς χαμόγελο.

Τώρα, χαμογελώ. Νιώθω. Είμαι ευτυχισμένη. Είμαι λιγάκι τρομαγμένη, λιγάκι φοβισμένη, μα κρατώ το κεφάλι ψηλά και στέκομαι περήφανη για την επιλογή που έχω κάνει. Σε σκέφτομαι και χαμογελώ. Μου λείπεις τρομερά. Αλλά σκέφτομαι πως όπου και να βρίσκεσαι, όποια μορφή και να έχεις, είσαι πάντα δίπλα μου!

Τέλειωσε λοιπόν η κατάθλιψη. Άρχισε η ζωή. Αυτό το μήνα θα σταθώ δίπλα στην αδερφή μου -έτσι νιώθω- για να είμαι μάρτυρας στην απόφαση που πήρε . Είμαι πολυ περήφανη γι'αυτό.

Αυτό το μήνα θα έρθει ο Bryan στην Κύπρο. Το σπίτι θα είναι γεμάτο με τους άντρες που αγαπώ περισσότερο κι απ'τη ζωή μου.

Αρχή μιας καινούριας ιστορίας. Τέλος μιας παλιάς...η ζωη μου τελός κι αρχή...

Cancer.....

I am listening to the Morning Edition on National Public Radio right now, as I do every morning. There was a story just a few minutes ago about a breast cancer risk calculator. Needless to say, I took the test. Of course I lied on the test because it is a tool for women above 35. I am not quite there yet, but I will be soon enough and I want to know what my chances are!

It seems that my chances of developing cancer by the time I am 40 are about 1%. This percentage is about 0.7% higher than the average woman. The test only asked me about first degree relatives who have had cancer. I answered 1. Now here's where it gets scary but funny. I have about 25% chances of developing breast cancer by the time I am 90! So it's scary! 25% is a large percentage. But, on the other hand, the latter part of the sentence is quite funny: 90! If my soon to be husband doesn't kill me till then I will live to be 90! 90....I think about it and my thought is, if I live to be 90 I will be lucky.

My mom was 66 when she died. Only her mother had breast cancer as far as we know. She had her first child when she was 28, about my age. As far as I know she breast fed. She never really worked out, but ate relatively healthy. Never smoked. Yet, she developed cancer when she was 53, was in remission for about five or six years, and then went out of remission when she was 60. She lived with cancer for about six years. In 2004 she started to decline. When she came to visit, it was as if she was a different person. She could not walk very far or quickly, she was not keen to try exotic or out of the ordinary dishes. She started to be a little quieter, more withdrawn. Still, she made it through two years of breast cancer. Only in the last year, after she started chemotherapy for the very first time (!!!!) , one could see just how ill she was. She lost even more weight, she was depressed and even more withdrawn... Her spirit was shattered. That was the greatest defeat for her. Actually, she decide to depart only nine months after her first experience with chemo.

This is the first time I am reflecting on breast cancer and my mom's journey. Mom let breast cancer take her spirit away. She saw it as a fault, a disadvantage which she never admitted to anyone. She never talked much about it. She did not feel the need to express her fears. She never wanted anyone to know that she duelled on it. I think that my dad was the only recipient of her inner thoughts. I think that she was afraid. I think she did not know how to handle herself and her fears...after all, she was the rock of the family. I think she grind her teeth too. I am not angry with her. I try not be judgemental, but it is rather difficult. I wish she could be a little more brave. I wish she showed the same courage she showed when she was 16 carrying bombs and revolution brochures in her schoolbag. But, as she said to me many time, that's how she was and I should be different. Come to think about it, she always encouraged me to be different than her on these issues.

I hear you mom, and now I understand what you were trying to tell me!

Πάσχα

Πάσχα και η αυλή βάζει τα γιορτινά της...οι φλαούνες...οι παστούδες (εκνευρίστικα όταν ανακάλυψα ότι δεν έχω τη συνταγή...)
Πάσχα...μου αρέσει το το Πάσχα...μέχρι τώρα δεν είχα συνειδητοποιήσει πόσο μέγαλο μέρος του είναι μου είναι αυτές οι γιορτές της Ορθοδοξίας!
Σήμερα ο Χριστός σταυρώνεται. Πάντα μου φέρνει δάκρυα στα μάτια αυτή η λειτουργία.
Θα πάμε εκκλησία μαζί με τον Bryan....
Σίγουρα δεν είναι το ίδιο αίσθημα του Πάσχα στην Κύπρο, όμως είναι μια άλλη εκδοχή οικογενειακής ζωής! Μιας πολυ μικρής οικογένειας, αλλά από κάπου πρέπει ν'αρχίσουμε κι εμείς!
Καλό Πάσχα σε όλους! Καλή Ανάσταση! Μου λείπετε όλοι τρομερά!
Σας έχω όμως στην καρδιά μου, άρα και δίπλα μου!

γυναίκα προς γυναίκα

Πέρυσι τέτοια ώρα έμαθα πως δε θα ξανάκουγα τη φωνή σου,
πως δε θα ξαναπίναμε τον καφε μας μαζί το πρωί,
πως δε θα σε ξαναπείραζα για τις ισπανόφωνες, μεταγλωτισμένες σειρές που σ' άρεσε να παρακολουθείς...
πως δε θα μπορούσα πια να σε ρωτήσω εσύ τι έκανες όταν παντρεύτηκες
ή πως φτιάχνεις φακές...
πως δεν πρόλαβα να σου πω αντίο, να σε φιλήσω και να το νιώσεις,
να σου πω πόσο τυχερή είμαι που τελικά γίναμε φίλες
και πως δεν είμαι και τόσο διαφορετική απο σένα...
Μου πήρε ένα ολόκληρο χρόνο να συνειδητοποιήσω πως δε λείπεις σε ταξίδι,
πως δε θα γυρίσεις πια...
Μου φαίνεται απίστευτο πως δεν είσαι εδώ! Ακόμα και τώρα, πίσω πίσω στο μυαλό μου υπάρχει μια φωνούλα που λέει "μπα, αποκλείεται να μη την ξαναδεις, θα γυρίσει..."
Ξέρω, με επισκέπτεσαι συχνά...έρχεσαι στα όνειρα μου να μου πεις την καλησπέρα σου και φύγεις...ας είναι...
Ήθελα να σου πω πως λυπάμαι που δεν γνώρισες την πεθερά μου,
θα τη συμπαθούσες...μοιάζετε λίγο
Ήθελα να σου πω πως είμαι καλά και να μην ανησυχεις.
Και τέλος, ήθελα να σου Χρόνια Πολλά!
Είναι η μέρα της γυναίκας σήμερα. Καλά, καλά ξέρω! Εσύ δε γιορτάζεις σήμερα!
Δε μπορούσα ν'αντισταθώ! Πάντα σε πείραζα τέτοια μέρα!

ένα χρόνο αργότερα

Τι να πω...πολλές εκπλήξεις η ζωή...
μια τετοια μου φύλαγε ο εαυτός μου,
μια τέτοια...
Αναρωτιέμαι τι άλλο θα ανακαλύψω για μένα. Από τότε που έχασα τη μάνα μου, φοβάμαι να κατακτήσω τη ζωή. Φοβάμαι ότι δεν μπορώ να τα καταφέρω. 'Εχω ξεχάσει ποια είμαι. Ταξίδεψα τόσο μακριά για να αποδείξω στον εαυτό μου πως μπορώ να είμαι μακριά απ'την "αυλή." Εκείνη την αυλή γεμάτη με χαμόγελα, δάκρια, φωνές, γιασεμιά και φούλια... Ανακάλυψα στο ταξίδι μου πως μπορώ να μείνω μακριά τους. Μερικές φορές νιώθω λίγη μοναξιά... λίγο που το σπίτι μου φαίνεται πιο μεγάλο όταν δεν είσαι 'δω... λίγο που ακόμα συνηθίζω στην ιδέα πως "πάω δίπλα για καφέ" είναι μια φράση αποκλείστικα χρησιμοποιούμενη στη Λιπέρτη! Είναι λίγο που ψιλοφοβάμαι τον "έγγαμο βίο." Και είναι που εδώ κι ένα χρόνο οι ερωτήσεις μου έχουν μείνει αναπάντητες!
Σ'αγαπώ, ζωή μου...σ'αγαπώ...
Αγαπώ το χαμόγελο σου και το χιούμορ σου.
Αγαπώ την επιθυμία σου να βοηθήσεις τον κόσμο να ζήσει μια καλύτερη ζωή.
Αγαπώ τη φιλοδοξία σου...με φοβίζει η φιλοδοξία σου...μ'αναγκάζει να είμαι ανεξάρτητη και αύτοφωτη! Αλλά, έτσι δεν ήμουν πάντα; Έτσι ήμουν....επέλεγα να είμαι μ' ανθρώπους...επιλέγω να είμαι μαζί σου!
Η μάνα μου πάντα ήταν βράχος. Πάντα στήριζε τον άντρα της. Πάντα έμενε λίγο πίσω κι απολάμβανε το θέαμα και το "ευχαριστώ" του άντρα της!
Έμαθε από νωρίς να μας φροντίζει χωρίς να εξαρτάται από κανένα. Πάντα είχε τη γιαγιά (τη γιαγιά που ήρθε στ'όνειρό μου χθες βράδυ να μου πει καλησπέρα!). Αλλά ήτανε πάντα αυτόφωτη κι ανεξάρτητη, γι'αυτό της ήταν τόσο δύσκολο όταν δεν μπορούσε να φροντίζει τον εαυτό της.
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα μου λείπει όσο ποτέ. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα, η ζωή συνεχίζεται χώρις αυτήν. Ένα χρόνο αργότερα παλεύω να βρω τον εαυτό μου. Τον εαυτό που η μάνα μου διαμόρφωσε, αυτόν που την έκανε περήφανη, αυτόν που ο σύντροφος μου ερωτεύτηκε!
Αυτόν που πρέπει να εμπιστευτώ ξανά!
Ένα χρόνο αργότερα...το χρωστώ σε μένα, μα και σε σένα!

Καινούρια ενέργεια, ανανεωμένη πίστη...τελικά ποιος είπε ότι οι καβγάδες σε καλό δε βγαίνουν;

Σήμερα είναι μια μέρα άδεια...άδεια από αίσθημα, από συναίσθημα, από χαμόγελο
Σήμερα είπα να θυμηθώ τη παλιά μου γλώσσα
Σήμερα είπα να γράψω σε μένα, σ'ένα παλιό εαυτό που άρχισα να ξαναβρίσκω,
έστω και με τη δυσκολία ενός πληκτρολογίου που σχεδόν ποτέ ελληνικά δε γράφει!
Θέλω να πω πολλά με μια φωναχτή σιωπή, κι αν μ'ακούσεις μη φοβηθείς, γλυκιά μου αγάπη
καλησπέρα!

new beginnings

Another year, I hope that this one will be better than the last. Although, I should say that the two most important things in my life happened in 2006: I lost my mom on March 8th, and I got engaged to be married on September 2.
Yesterday I joined an online grief group. It is particularly comforting to hear from people that I don't know who can understand and relate to what I am going through without much explanation.
I found much comfort in the fact that I am not alone.
It is rather unfortunate and unfair for my fiance that the excitement of planning a wedding is overshadowed by the mourning and grief, the fear of loss, and the sadness of not having my mom at the wedding.
It is not fair that the emptiness that is prevalent at times spills into everything in my life. I must be one of the most fortunate people alive to have a partner who is willing to stand by me, and still want to marry me through this difficult time.
The pragmatist in me says enough already. The rest of me says, give yourself time and don't push it! Recognizing the problem is half the battle!

Thoughts from Cyprus

I am back to Cyprus for a second time after my mom's passing.
Thank goodness, I have been busy with appointments for my wedding.
This time around my father and I were able to communicate, I guess in the absence of everyone else, we kinda have to find a way not to hurt each other.
The house seems empty at times. It was particularly empty when I was putting up Christmas decorations...
Yesterday I exercised my right to vote. After almost eight years I felt that being a citizen was something more than just informed or "into" things!
There are so much I want to say, so much I want to do here...Voting was just a small little thing that made me think about how easy it is here, how tough it is back there...
All the family here is going to be gathered and I am going to be back with my partner...choices, they are so difficult...

oh, and I am no longer hiding my identity, my fears, my disadvantages or my aspirations!

my mom's birthday

Today is the first time in my twenty eight years of life that I almost forgot my mom's birthday.
She passed away nine months ago.
Can you get over a loss in nine months?
Or is it that life comes at you fast that sometimes you forget important dates? Or is it that I wanted to block it from my memory so I wouldn't have to face the fact that she will not pick up the phone when I call home!
Either way, happy birthday mom!

realizations

It's amazing what being out in the wilderness can do to a person.
Lately I have been lacking the motivation to finish my thesis
All I have been wanting to do is watch bad television shows
Shows that allow me to escape to a different reality
One that is not mine
One that is fake
and as such, it cannot touch me
it cannot hurt me
it does not give me stress,
but it makes me cry and laugh
two very real behaviors that provide me with a false sense of living
And then, two miles and boat loads of sweating later I found myself on top of a mountain
I found myself living in a metaphor
"if I can climb this mountain I can finish my thesis"
I saw me climb the mountain
I felt the snow flakes on my face
I felt an extraordinary sense of accomplishment
the kind that I haven't had in a while
Two days later I am determined that this thesis will be done
I am determined that I will not fail
as much failings as I have had, personal and professional
this one will not be part them!
My reality is similar to other people's
yet, very different
as silly as it sounds the little things of our everyday life make it worth living
the difficulties or the long processes make us appreciate the promptness of other things
if anyone ever asks my what's it like writing a thesis
I will say that it's like a four mile long, moderate hike
at some parts it seems endless, but once you make it to the top
you have to come back to the parking lot and complete your journey!

something missing

something missing from my life
what that might be I don't know
motivation
courage
what might be there....
fear of completion
fear of failure
uneasyness about the absence of the safety net
uncertainty of the unknown

The racism of the bridal gown

Those who are a "plus size," as the fashion industry calls women who are outside of the "regular" sizes, have surely experienced uncomfortable feelings when trying on wedding gowns....
When you are looking for everyday attire there isn' t mush problem
There plenty of styles to go around these days. Things are much better than 5 or 10 years ago.
But, you know what has not changed?
The wedding industry!
Unless you are a size 4 0r 6 you cannot get a decent dress! Because wedding gowns run 2 to 3 sizes small. Say you are a 14, you need an 18 or a 20 size wedding gown! That is such a blow on self esteem!
I am one of the people who refuse to get sucked into the "thin ideal"
As long as I am healthy, eating right and working out, I am not going to go on a diet to be a size 8!
I am size 14! I would like it if I were a size 12 or 10, but I am not going to deprive myself of any culinary pleasures.
What is outrageously obvious is that the gown industry wants to make even more money via alterations and charging extra for a size bigger than 16! They simply want more money than the 2,000 or 3,000 dollars they charge for a good dress! Can you imagine? How racist!

everyday routines

I wake up in the moring, usually around 7am,
hop in the shower,
get dressed,
go downstairs in the kitchen to make coffee while continuing to listen to the NPR news which accompanies me in the shower as well.
He wakes up about half an hour after I do and follows the same ritual
His coffee is ready, with milk and sugar already in his mug
We both have cereal together and leave the house about the same time
And that's when our days start to differ
I go to my office and three times a week teach pretty much right away
After that, I am supposed to be either working on my project or read for my comps in January
Instead, I find myself completely addicted to searching on line for plane tickets, for wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, hotel reservations, wedding invitations, etc
I am completely unable to focus on my work if I am in front of a computer with Internet access.
Talk about self-discipline
I used to be able to wake up ealry enough to do my work and then play
now it's merely playing
I think that since I lost my mom I have realized that stressing about work is not worth it
But, I have reached the other side
I am fast becoming "lazy"
everyday routines?
I wish!

28 years of life

so many lessons
so many experiences
28 years of life
28 years of wisdom?
Last night I was reading the wedding planning book my soon to be mother-in-law sent us
so many responsibilities for the mother of the bride
tears running down my cheeks and a smile for her, 'cause she never really liked rituals that much
and today, today I am imagining to hear her voice, just like I did for the last 28 years
I 'm pretending that I got her card
I 'm actually telling her what presents I got and describe every little detail
I 'm keeping her as close as possible, for 27 and a half years are not easily forgotten
and for today, I know she would not want me to be sad
28, mom, 28
please look down and smile, just as you would if you were right here

communication

I am supposed to be good at it
As I teach my students, successful communication depends on the detection and repair of misunderstandings that may interfere with the creation of shared knowledge.
I cannot get across to my father.
Stuck in a totally different place, stuck in a situation which sacks because he is alone and just know he learns how to function alone,
I am stuck in between waiting for him to decide what he wants for me so that I move on with planning a wedding.
I 'm stuck
Stuck, stuck, stuck
I wish that things were different
I wish that he wasn't alone
I wish I had my mom to go wedding gown shopping with!
I wish
But in this I believe, the ability of social beings to detect and repair misunderstandings
I believe in communication
as hard as it may be now

Decisions that have changed my life

Five years ago amidst a blur from a different cigarette I decided I wanted to do a Masters degree
The university I wanted to go to had to had in it's name the name New York.
I indeed arrived on August 5, 2003
I met this hippieish girl, a little weird but with a great willingness to help me out.
We became friends
A year later, after having been to Cyprus for the entire summer, taking a spontaneous trip to London for three days, letting go of the man I thought I was crazy in love with, and deciding that I want to be with no one, just myself, my degree, and my thoughts, I came back to meet the most wonderful, thoughtful, kind, charming and handsome man I ever met.
Three years later I still believe all these things about him
Three years later I love him more than I ever did, and I have fallen in love with him AGAIN!
Three years later, a simple four later question, and simple one word answer have changed both of our lives.
"Will you marry me?" "Yes"
lots of tears and two smiles that cannot be erased
On the day of the my mom's six month memorial
I don't think I can ever be able to give her a better memorial!
I love you honey, thanks....

three years

it has been three years
three years of fun, tears, companionship, passion,
of love
you don't know this, but I still get anxious when it's about the time you come home
maybe three years is a long time, or maybe it isn't
you have made my life more interesting and more fun
you have become my best friend
you have made me have feelings I never thought I could feel
the reflection of me in your eyes is such a huge boost to become a little better everyday
i love you, but then again you know that
i don't have much to wish for us
just to keep our faith in each other
happy three years!