Ποσο μου λειπεις...

Εχεις γενέθλια σήμερα... σίγουρα θα προσπαθείς ν'αποφυγεις κάθε γιορτή όπως έκανες πάντα. Δε σ'αρέσει να έχεις το φως της δημοσιότητας επάνω σου...
Μου λείπεις απεριοριστα. Και τώρα που ετοιμάζομαι να φέρω στον κόσμο ακόμα μια ψυχή, η βοήθεια σου θα ήταν απερίγραπτη. Κυρίως όμως, θα έδινα τα πάντα για μια ακόμα αγκαλιά απο σένα....μια αγκαλιά μόνο και ένα από εκείνα τα βλέμματα τα μισο-χαμογελαστό μισο-σοβαρό βλέμμα που έλεγε πολλα....
Και ακομα δεν μπορώ να πιστέψω πως δε θα σε ξαναδώ.....

I no longer update this blog as often I should. But, here's where you can find more
here

Τα πρωτα μας Χριστουγεννα!

Μου φαίνεται απίστευτο...τα πρώτα Χριστούγεννα με την Μαρία έχουν κιόλας ήδη περάσει...Δεν μπορώ να πιστέψω ότι έχω μια κόρη, ότι είμαι μαμα....Όλη μου τη ζωή ένα πράγμα είχα σίγουρο: ότι θα γινόμουνα μαμα. Απο τότε που ήμουνα μικρή και φρόντιζα τη Νινιτα μου, την κούκλα που μου είχαν αγοράσει η μαμα και ο μπαμπας, από τότε ήξερα ότι θα γινόμουνα μαμα. Τώρα το όνειρο έγινε πραγματικότητα. Η Μαρία μου είναι το πιο όμορφο δώρο που θα μπορούσε να μου κάνει ο Bryan. Και είναι πραγματικά δώρο! Έχει απίστευτη προσωπικοτητα.
Είναι χαρούμενη, παίζει μόνη της, χαμογελά σε όλους όσους θέλει!

Στεναχωριέμαι μόνο που η μαμα μου δεν είναι εδώ να τη γνωρίσει. Θα τα πήγαιναν τόσο καλά οι δυο τους! Μου λειπεις αφανταστα Μαρουλα μου, αφανταστα, αν και οι μέρες περνούν χωρις να το καταλαβω....

Bryan, you should know that I appreciate all the effort you put in. I am ecstatic that we have a little girl together. You are the best partner and even though we have our ups and downs, you should know that. You are a terrific father. I am happy this is the first of many Christmases with our expanded family. I love you.

I need you to be here!

It's a girl!

I knew I am carrying a girl. I had this feeling deep inside me that a little girl was meant to be my first born. When I dreamed of my mother on Sunday night, I woke up Monday morning 100% sure that I am carrying a little girl. It feels like my mom will come back to life through this little girl!
And, if my daughter turns out to be half the woman my mom was, I will be incredibly proud!
I am glad that my husband wants to name her Maria-Carol. I am glad that he never once asked why name her after our mothers! He wouldn't be the man I love if he did, and I am incredibly lucky to have him as my partner!
I can't wait to feel her move inside me. I can't wait to hold her when she is born.
I am thankful that everything is well, that she is healthy and that we are having her.
Mama, thank you for looking after us. Thank you for making your presence known!

returns..

I have returned...returned from a place I call home to a place I call home.
I have returned with a burning desire to return.
This is the first time I feel this burning desire. Unexplainable? maybe....
Things have changed. As life progresses, a need to return to what is familiar, to what is cozy begins to erupt. How can I make you understand I don't know. I can't even explain it to myself very well.
And, I... I who have never been a huge fun of change, I find myself longing for it while being terrified!
I am sure I have confused you. This is a happy time in my life...I don't have complaints. I am about to become a mother. Yet, this burning desire to return remains.
Talk to me if you understand. Tell me what you think.

??????????????

These days have been a bit blue. All of a sudden, the 16 hours of the day I spend awake are not enough to do all the things I need to get d0ne. I go to work for about 9-10 hours per day. I then go home and I all I want to do is stare at the television....Where has my energy gone? My house has never been in the shape that it is now. My cooking has never been so dull. It seems that I don't have the courage or the time to do the things I like. I have productive and unproductive days at work...and somehow, I still have a job!
Lately I have been thinking that I lost a part of myself...Thinking back to my college years, I seem to remember two things: how much I liked politics, and how much I liked to write. And then, there was the going out and drinking coffee, none of which I do much these days.
What else was there? I still like to help people. I still smile (somewhat). I still believe in some things like God.
I still love. I now have a husband. A husband who does not speak my native tongue, who does not have very close family ties, who does not like to go out much, and who does not like the music I do. He loves politics. He is as smart as a person can be! He is as oblivious as a deer in headlights! He loves me a lot. Sometimes I wonder if he knows me? How can you know someone when you don't speak her language? How can you know someone when you don't ask many questions? I seem to have lost my greekness which goes hand-'n-hand with being a positive, joyful person. I seem to have lost an undefined part of me. You see, a few years ago I would be looking for love. I would be writing for love. I have love, but there seems to be another hole!
I love my husband! I do. A lot. My life would be incredibly boring and dark without him. I would probably be back to Cyprus if I hadn't met him. That is probably the only positive thing that would have come out of me not meeting, loving, and marrying him. The only one!
But, I do have to find a way to gain some of me back...the question is how do I define myself?
Who am I and what do I stand for? Those are questions I haven't answered in a while....
I love the fall, but it makes me blue....